Different Perspective.

This is a response to my previous blog Break Your Chains.

"Tears for sure.  Few things to also mention...... An addict does not realize the full affect they have on their loved ones while inside their addiction.  You can express time and time again and they just won't get it!  Why?  I can personally tell you only from my side of an addiction.  Alcohol is an ALLERGY!  When addicted the endorphines in your brain tell you that you want more and more.  It starts out slowly....then the next thing you know you are drinking every part of the day!  Literally, the alcoholic can drink their life away!  And you are right....we hide behind our addiction.  Our feelings about ourselves have to remain buried while the addiction takes over.  We cannot face the shame, the guilt, the fear, nor THE TRUTH!  Just what you said...Until WE change it ourselves.  Some may never make that choice.  Are we unlovable?  No!  Do you have awesome characteristics when sober?  Yes!  In the same, alcohol may also give the addict the "nerve" to actually share their emotions.  May not come out right and sometimes it is finger pointing.  The finger pointing is the alcohol though.  We feel terribly guilty all the time.  All the "should haves," "could haves," "dids," "didn'ts," "wants," and "desires"  HAUNT us.  And that is why many stay within their addiction.  Some just don't KNOW A DIFFERENT WAY OF LIFE!  We are born with it.  The way you were raised by your parents certainly affects your decision to try it or not.  Once you do, you don't give it up!  (Within that statement, I recognize the guilt I feel as a parent!  Guilt just like a non addict would.)  Even from THE INSIDE OF ADDICTION, it is hard to clarify. 

Steph,  I am sorry for all the pain I have caused.  Knowingly at times, but mostly Unknowing due to my addiction.  It is not ANYONE's "persay" fault.  But yes, there is hope.  And I have a desire to feel that instead of all the detrimental emotions.  Please also recognize that certain disabilities can trigger an addiction.  You know I maintain my sobriety for a long time while you grew up.  Those are the years I keep in my heart.  I need to get sober again so I can look for to the future with the same hopes and dreams.  I choose to take the first step.  I pray for the Lord's guidance along the way.

I love you more than you will ever know!  I am proud of you!  You are truly special!"

Dear Mom,

I love you and no longer resent anything. Even if you never become sober, I will still love you and nothing will ever change that. Not even addiction. I believe there is hope if you try and believe in yourself. I know you can gain your sobriety back with support and help from God. Never give up or let anyone tell you can't, including yourself. Focus on how positive of a decision this is. Don't focus on the past but just look forward to the future. I support you more than you can imagine, and I have a lot of people praying for you. I miss you and you mean the world to me.

<3 stephie-annie (:

Dear others,

Change is possible if you are willing to make it happen.

Break your chains.

There's something I've been wanting to write about for a few weeks but until now I haven't been able to find the words...


Addiction. Not many people understand it, or what it really means. Usually you do not know the full effects that addiction can have on family, spirituality, or even the addict themselves unless you have witnessed it or struggle with it personally.

What is addiction? Addiction is "the state of being enslaved to a habit or practice or to something that is psychologically or physically habit-forming, as narcotics, to such an extent that its cessation causes severe trauma." Addiction doesn't always refer to drugs or alcohol. For example, someone can be addicted to sex. I am mostly addressing alcoholism and drug addiction though.

Addiction has many sides and many points of views. I cannot speak for an addict, but I can speak for someone who has grown up around one for most of their life. One of the hardest things to understand is where addiction comes from. At first you want to blame the addict for their actions. The fact that they love their drug or Bud more than they love you as a human being is infuriating. Quite frankly, that feeling sucks. But you have to understand that addiction is not just a lack of will power or morals. It's been proven that addiction is hereditary. Lol and my family proves this study. You cannot blame someone for their genetics. Then again, each individual is given a choice on how to deal with the cards they are given.

Even if someone gives up their battle to addiction and becomes its victim, it is your choice on how to react. You can get mad, be upset, throw a fit, or cry all you want, but ultimately an addict is still an addict until they choose otherwise. One of the hardest things about loving an addict is that you always want to blame yourself or question why you are not good enough to keep them sober. Something you need to accept is that it is not your fault. You did nothing to make them that way. Also, even if they blame you for their drinking or drug addiction, it is not your fault either. You are not forcing them to drink, nor are you forcing them to do drugs. Quit putting the blame on yourself or accepting the blame you are given.

How do you accept an addict for who they are then? You love them. That is all you can do. You can tell them that you are there for them. You can pray for them. Do not get angry at them. Fighting with an addict is pointless. Honestly, they probably won't even remember what happened when tomorrow comes around. Have compassion for them. Do not condemn them for their actions, because being angry and blaming people solves nothing. You should have compassion for an addict because of their internal struggles. They often feel remorse about their addiction and they turn to the substance as a way to deal with it. In all reality it just feeds the cycle and makes it worse.

If you are an addict yourself and you know this, then you can change if you want to. There is always hope. You just have to believe in yourself and realize that you are worth something. You have to realize that the change is worth it once you surmount your addiction. It isn't something you can do for other people. You have to do it for yourself. It isn't easy and it takes effort and time and energy. It's going to be painful but in the end you will be so much happier. You need help if you want to do this. Most likely you cannot do it on your own. There are people who want to help you but you have to be willing to help yourself first. Aren't you tired of being a slave to your own habits? Free yourself, because you have the power to do so.

^"No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it."  1 Corinthians 10:13 

Fork in the Road

Decisions. You make them often. Some are harder than others. Yet some decisions you make seem like a giant fork in the road without a sign telling you what lies on the path ahead. How do you know if something is right for you? Sometimes you delude yourself into thinking that something is good for you, when really it isn't. OR maybe it just isn't what God has intended for you. No matter what you think is right for you, He knows better.

I've learned this from experience. At the time something seems so right, yet later you come to realize it was so wrong.  Right now I'm having this problem with college. I got accepted to Southeastern University with half of everything paid in scholarships. I already paid the enrollment fee and chose which dorm I prefer bunking in. It sounds all very nice and dandy. The problem? It's three hours away from home, away from comfort and everyone I love. I was willing to go away for college because I thought it would be best for me to be independent and on my own for awhile.

The other day in class when someone brought up Southeastern I got a bad feeling in my stomach. They pointed out that realistically I would only come home once in awhile. That's not how I thought it would be. So I prayed about it. Not only did I feel better, but I came up with an alternative. Why not just study at Palm Beach Atlantic, where I won't have to pay room and board? I have an appointment to talk with an admissions counselor. Hope it goes well!

Everyone has had that one hard decision to make. It may be deciding to break off an unhealthy relationship, accepting an addict for who they are regardless of their disease, choosing to give up something detrimental to you, or even realizing that you aren't alone and that people care about you. Choices can be hard to make on your own. It can especially be hard to make a decision if you don't know which direction is the right way to go. Isn't it a relief to know that you don't have to make these choices on your own?

The point of this is that no matter what situation, no matter how small or big, God is ALWAYS in control. If you ask him for help, He will help you. Even if you get a no, then there's a special reason why. There is something better waiting down the road. Until you reach that something, you won't understand why God is saying no. So don't get frustrated right away. Keep on praying, and be persistent. You'll come across your answers sooner than you think. And when you do, it will be better than you ever imagined.

Blemished.

This insomniac heart finds no rest,
   nor will it know peace
until your presence is shown.
  Your light, and yours alone
may illuminate this incessant darkness.
 
This spirit has been crushed
   from its own ceaseless wandering.
A drought has begun
  because these rivers have run dry,
     allowing destitution.
Nothing can replenish them,
  not anything on earth.
No well runs deep enough,
   nor is any pure enough
to cleanse this blemished intertior.

Only your water, oh Lord,
  may slake my thirst.
All of my being: flesh, heart, and soul:
  yearn for your touch.
Pick me up, rescue me from despair,
  and cradle me in your safe arms.
Do not let me fall victim to my afflictions,
  or be overcome by the storms raging within.
Forgive my follies,
  vindicate me from my vices.
Instill your will and virtues on my heart,
  where they may never be erased.