My heart breaks for you.

I think of you and how lost you are, and my heart breaks. You feel like these burdens are unbearable and that you just can't deal with anything anymore. You don't know what to do and like feel like no one understands what you're going through. You have no where to turn. You think you're a burden to those people around you and the people you talk to. That no one loves you and won't miss you if you're gone. You truly think that everyone else's life would be better if you didn't exist anymore.

I'm here to tell you that YOU ARE WRONG. These burdens aren't unbearable. There is a way to get through the pain. There is somewhere for you to turn. You're not a burden to the people around you and the people you talk to. You are SO loved, and you will be SO missed if anything were to happen to you. Everyone's life would be worse without your existence.

Here's why. That lost feeling is explainable. You don't know where to turn to, but there is a place to turn to. There is someone who loves you unconditionally. Regardless of the things you've done, the helplessness you feel, the things you've thought or said, all of your flaws, and short comings. When you feel worthless, they are here to show you that you're worth more than diamonds or pearls or gold. Please, don't give up just yet. There is another way out. A better way. All you have to do is be willing. Be willing to give this a shot. What do you have to lose? This is something you can put your hope in. I promise you that if you come with an open mind and an open heart you will see it.We've talked about this before. I know you have so much potential. You're almost there. 

What's this love I'm talking about? Where can you turn no matter what the circumstance is? God. That's the answer. Nothing can compare to the peace you feel when you ask Him to wrap His arms around you. When He does, you feel an overwhelming peace even though you swear a hurricane was just going on inside of you. Just ask for it. Ask for the peace. Ask for Him to show you His love. Ask Him to show Himself to you if He is really real. Don't be afraid to ask Him about what you're going through. Vent to Him like He's a person. Cry. Scream. Get it out. Just be willing to get answers to the questions that you ask. Ask for hope. Ask to see a way out of this. To see that you can get through this as long as you have Him to lean on and help you through it. You don't have to go through this alone, and I hope you can see this. I hope and pray for you that you can feel His love for you, even when you feel like you don't deserve it or think no one else loves you. Because, well, you are loved. And this kind of love is incomprehensible. You cannot fathom how much you're loved. Things are so difficult right now, but you don't need to do this alone. He is there, waiting for you to call on Him. You've asked questions. I know it's in your heart. 

I've hit rock bottom before. I've been there. You're not alone in your feelings of hopelessness. The only way I got through it was by my faith in God. Literally, there was NO ONE else to turn to but Him. He has never left me since I have asked Him to come into my heart. Before I asked God into my heart, I didn't understand what it meant to feel loved. Every single day felt like hell. It was just a big rut that I couldn't get out of. No matter what I did to try and self-medicate. Those dark feelings always lingered even when I thought I was happy. You're there, right now, living that at this very moment. You're at that time in your life where every single day is your own personal living hell. But it doesn't have to be like this. You can have joy and hope even when everything around you seems to be falling apart. You don't have to dwell in your despair. There is a way out! Even in your brokenness, you can be made whole through Him. All you have to do is ask for it. 

The man on the island.

Once upon a time, I went to chapel. The guest speaker had shared a little anecdote and asked a question. "There is a man on an island in the middle of the Atlantic. He has never heard of God or Jesus, let alone the gospel. Let's say he were to die of natural causes. Would he wake up in heaven?" Half of the people in the room answered "yes" and the other half answered "no". How could there be such a split answer if every Christian reads the same Bible, believes in the same God, and accepts the same gospel? The speaker continued on with the anecdote. "Now here is a different scenario. The man is on the island. Billy Graham sails to the island, gets on land, and shares the gospel with the man. The obstinate man says 'No thank you. I don't want to follow this Jesus guy.' Billy Graham had did what he could, but the man just refused to believe him with every fiber of his being. So Billy sailed away. The man died of natural causes. Now would he wake up in heaven?" Everyone answered "no" in unison.

The guest speaker continued on with his sermon. He went on to answer the first question. Would the man on the island wake up in heaven? The guest speaker answered "no" and backed it up with Scripture. He made the following points about the man on the island:

1. The man must know that God exists because He reveals Himself through creation.         (Romans 1:19, Psalm 14:1, Psalms 19:1)
2. We know that he is a sinner because "all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God."  (Romans 1:21, Isaiah 53:6, Romans 3:23)
3. He is accountable for his sin. (Romans 6:23, 2 Thessalonians 1:7-10, Isaiah 53:6)
4. He can be saved from his sins and given eternal life with Jesus.                                                     (John 14:1-6, Romans 10:13, Romans 3:20-24, Acts 4:12, 1 Timothy 2:5, John 3:16)
5. This causes us to be urgent with the gospel. (Romans 10:14-15, Acts 21:13, Philippians 1:21)

I am not necessarily disagreeing with the speaker's points. BUT, I whole-heartily disagree with how he answered the first question. I believe that he misused these points and took the verses (which I have listed) out of context. He used them to falsely say that the man on the island, in the first scenario, would not have a chance at waking up in heaven. This is where I believe he needs to rethink his answer because he sounds like a dumb dumb. Consider this: We do not choose the circumstances we are born into and God is just.

Every person is born into this world and every person must face death. This is a true fact of life. No one chooses where they are born, who their parents are, whether they are born into wealth or poverty, or the culture that surrounds their existence. The man on the island was meant to represent the unreached people groups of the world. The unreached people groups are the people who have never heard the gospel before. There are 6,505 of these groups in the world. It's one thing to be accountable for hearing it and rejecting it, as was the case with the second scenario in the anecdote. You were given a choice, and you decided your own fate. But for the person who never even had the chance to hear it. Never had the chance to accept it or reject it. THAT was not their decision. They did not choose to be born on that island any more than I chose to be born here in America. They did not choose to live a life of ignorance not knowing what their heart was missing any more than I chose to hear the gospel that I accepted because I knew what my heart had been longing for. This man on the island, these unreached people, cannot be condemned to eternal damnation solely because they were born into the most unfortunate circumstances of not being able to choose their own fate or where they would want to spend eternity.

This speaker had some major audacity to try and speak for God when he said that the man on the island would not wake up in heaven. God is just. He does not judge by human standards. I don't believe that God would eternally damn these people for their ignorance any more than he would eternally damn an innocent baby. Although Jesus is in fact the only way to heaven, the man on the island must be held accountable in a different way.  After all, anyone who reads the Bible should know about God's temperament. They should know that God is merciful. He loves us, ALL of His creation. Not just the people who were blessed to hear and accept the gospel. He loves those lost unreached people just as much as He loves us. I am not denouncing the importance of missions. These people should be given a choice, and that is where the vitality of missions comes in.

You, too, will try and answer whether or not the man on the island will wake up in heaven. Just remember this: he did not choose the be born into ignorance, and God is just.  

Ruth.

Before I went to sleep last night, I read the entire book of Ruth in the Bible. It's one of those smaller books in the Old Testament and is often skipped over or forgotten. As I was reading it, I knew I had read it about two years ago. This time it held some more significance though. The verses that stuck out to me most were Ruth 1:16-17. That's all I highlighted. This morning I went to Church. We sang Blessed Be Your Name. Then our Pastor opened up the alter to let people come up and pray about anything that was on their heart. I stayed in my seat because I didn't feel like I should go up. I don't have anything on my heart this morning that I'm ready to give up yet. So, after this our Pastor usually shares what we're reading from out of the Bible. He told everyone to turn to the book of Ruth. Then he read verses 1:16-17. Go figure. Pure coincidence? I think not!

But Ruth replied:
"Do not persuade me to leave you
or go back and not follow you.
For wherever you live, I will live;
your people will be my people,
and your God will be my God.
Where you die, I will die,
and there, I will be buried.
May the Lord do this to me,
and even more,
if anything but death separates you and me."

Ruth 1:16-17 

Here's a little background information about Ruth. Her mother-in-law is Naomi. Naomi's husband and sons die. During this time, there is a famine in the land. Naomi and Ruth are both widows. They decide to go back to the land of Judah where there is food. Ruth decides to stay with Naomi and take care of her mother-in-law. In the land of Judah, Ruth was considered a foreigner. She worked for a relative of Naomi's late husband. Ruth married him and was no longer a widow. Although she lived in destitution, she was redeemed because she made the sacrifice and followed Naomi and was faithful to God.

Naomi was so lost that she renamed herself Mara, which means "bitter". Her and Ruth had no family, no land, and no possessions. It would have been easy to stay mad about their circumstances and remain bitter.  She wasn't promised anything but followed her mother-in-law anyways and did the right thing. She didn't give up. Ruth put her hope in the Lord when she couldn't do it on her own. Everyone always has some sort of burden. No ones life is completely 100% stress free. It's too hard to try and deal with everything on your own. From personal experience, trying to do things on your own can lead to overwhelming stress that will make you sick. Look at Ruth's example. See how she didn't give up or be to independent, but relied on God.

One of the most popular things a Christian says to a fellow Christian during times of distress is "God won't give you more than you can handle." Honestly, I disagree with this. God NEVER said He wouldn't give you more than you can handle. When it rains, it pours. One bad thing happens after another and you get this rain-and-pour syndrome. What do YOU do when you have this syndrome? Do you fall to your knees and cry out to God? God will give you more than you can handle, but He will always provide a way of escape. When you're going through times of distress, He is there at the ready. He is waiting for you to cry out to Him in your time of need. He is always there watching over you. Even if you don't hear Him or see Him right away, that doesn't mean He will never come to your aid or that He isn't there. Because He is there. Waiting for you. I believe He gives you more than you can handle because when you can't deal with everything anymore, you look for a way of escape. Usually, that is when most people rely on God. Maybe He gives you more than you can handle so you realize that you don't need to do everything on your own. So when you're at the point where you think you can't take anymore, call on Him. What do you have to lose?

Tree 63 - Blessed Be Your Name

"They don't deserve it."

Today I was at chapel hoping to get something out of the speaker. I did. Way more than I thought. He shared the story of Joseph and how he was sold into slavery by his jealous brothers. Long story short, Joseph had much power and authority over his brothers. He could have punished them or had them killed. Instead, he chose to forgive them. At the end of the service, the speaker asked everyone in the room to close their eyes. He said there were probably people in the room who needed to forgive other people. That there were people in the room who HATED another human being, and could not find it in their heart to forgive them. He asked those people to open their eyes and make eye contact with him. My eyes opened and I was the first person he acknowledged. He prayed for everyone, including me, who had met his eyes.

 Someone does the same thing over and over again. You forgive them even for the times they don't apologize or admit that they were wrong. They keep doing the very same thing that you forgave them for. You feel like it becomes redundant. It's too repetitive. It's like they use your forgiveness as a Get Out of Jail Free card for every time they mess up. They figure they can keep doing it because you'll forgive them anyways. In return, you stop forgiving them. After all, why forgive when it doesn't matter to them? You feel like they're not deserving of your forgiveness.

So, why forgive someone when they don't deserve it? Not forgiving other people is going to turn you into a bitter person. Anger and bitterness can turn a soft and warm heart into a callous heart of stone. It's so easy for someone without that bitterness to say "forgive others because God forgives you." It's a wonderful saying and I agree with it. How can you expect to be forgiven if you refuse to forgive others? You can't. It's not always that easy to forgive others though. It isn't as easy or simple as saying "I forgive you". You might want to forgive them. You repeat the phrase over and over again. Maybe if you repeat those words enough times then you'll delude yourself into thinking you truly forgave them. You might even think you did. But deep down you haven't let go. You still have that anger about what they did. If you still have that anger, then you didn't forgive them completely. On your own, you don't know HOW to forgive them.

Let me introduce a sweet little blessing called grace. Grace is "a free or unmerited gift or privilege bestowed by God, whose favour, or revealing of himself, cannot be earned or attained by human efforts." Did you notice the words in bold. Let me say that again: cannot be earned or attained by human efforts. True forgiveness can only come from God. It takes effort and faith and hope, even when you feel like you have none. You can't let go of all that pent up anger and bitterness on your own. It can be so hard to forgive someone. But keep in mind that it's not impossible.

I'll be open and admit I'm having a very difficult time forgiving someone. I have all of this pent up anger and bitterness towards them. I feel like forgiving them lets them off easy. Truthfully, not forgiving them has harmed me more than them.  I've tried forgiving them but I can't find it within myself to let go. That's because I've tried forgiving them on my own. There's too much anger for me to find forgiveness alone. I need God's grace to truly forgive them. There's no way around it. Oh the journey begins.

"³ So watch yourselves.

   “If your brother or sister sins against you, rebuke them; and if they repent, forgive them. ⁴ Even if they sin against you seven times in a day and seven times come back to you saying ‘I repent,’ you must forgive them.” -Luke 17:3-4

I am a little church.

"I am a little church (no great cathedral)
far from the splendor and squalor of hurrying cities-I do not worry if briefer days grow briefest,
I am not sorry when sun and rain make April
my life is the life of the reaper and the sower;
my prayers are prayers of earth's own clumsily striving
(finding and losing and laughing and crying) children
whose any sadness or joy is my grief or my gladness

around me surges a miracle of unceasing
birth and glory and death and resurrection:
over my sleeping self float flaming symbols
of hope, and I wake to a perfect patience of mountains

I am a little church (far from the frantic
world with its rapture and anguish) at peace with nature-

I do not worry if longer nights grow longest;
I am not sorry when silence becomes singing

winter by spring, I lift my diminutive spire to
merciful Him Whose only now is forever:
standing erect in the deathless truth of His presence
(welcoming humbly His light and proudly His darkness)"

-E. E. Cummings

This is a poem from one of my favorite poets. I absolutely love this poem because of the meaning you can get out of it. He is content in whatever situation he's in. Cummings knows that life is about the good AND the bad. He welcomed "humbly His light and proudly His darkness." God is present wherever we are and wherever we go in whatever we are doing. Life isn't just about the laughter. To him, it was about the joy and the pain, the tears and the laughter. He enjoyed the simple things in life. He would rather be a little church than a grand cathedral. The things of this life are not worth worrying over.  He prefers a quiet life than the hurried life most of us have in the city.

I thought about that and he has a point. I'm always busy doing something. When you live life at a fast pace, you do not always appreciate the simple little things. Laying down at night after a busy day I'll realize, with my head on my pillow, that I forgot to pray or read my Bible. Cummings knew that "Him Whose only now is forever." You're not guaranteed tomorrow. So you need to live and breathe and appreciate and love TODAY.

An Unaddressed Letter.

Dear Anonymous,

There's something I've been meaning to tell you. These words have been heavy on my heart for quite some time now. I haven't had the strength to tell you these things because they hit a sensitive part of me. Normally I don't like talking about touchy subjects, but I can't keep this from you anymore.

We've gone through so much together. After years of knowing one another, you would think we knew each other very well. You hardly know me and I hardly know you. I feel like you would never let me get to know you no matter how much I tried. You came in and out of my life. Usually you left when I really needed you. Just having your company would have helped me deal with things better because you were the only person who could ever say they truly understood what was going on in this dark time. Instead of staying, you left. Left me to deal with everything on my own. You chose your path and I chose mine. We became opposites in everything. You chose drugs, I chose sobriety. We both had a different way of dealing with things. In the end, we grew up to be strangers who share the same blood.

For YEARS, I was there for you. Through all of the rehabs and the jail time. I would visit you and hope for the best. Every time I would hope that THIS would be it. That it would be the last time you would ever end up in a cruddy place like that. You deserved so much better, but you couldn't see that. I still have every letter you've ever handwritten and sent to me. Reading those letters gave me hope. The person writing them was completely different than the person you were for the past few years. It's because you're different when you're using drugs and when you're sober. The difference between your drug-self and your sober-self is so vast that you mine as well have been two different people.

You gave me so much false hope that you would change your life. Then, you would just fall back into the same routine with the drugs and coming and going as you please. There was never any assurance that I would see you again. You were living a lifestyle where you could easily get yourself in a bad situation, and that would be the end of it or the end of you. I've been told that you would either end up in jail or dead if you kept living this kind of life. Saying goodbye to you always frightened me because I never knew when or if I would see you again. That's a painful thought. More than words can express, ever.

I remember trying to hate you. It would have made things easier if I could simply not care about you. That way your rejection wouldn't hurt as bad. It's like it would hurt less if I expected it. I also tried not to care about you in case one day I finally heard the news that I've been dreading. That you've finally met your match and weren't coming back. No matter how much I told myself that I didn't care about what happened to you, I knew that I was only lying to make myself feel better.

I'll be truthful and admit that I nearly gave up on you. I really did. After everything you've been through with all of the drugs and arrests. You've put me at my breaking point so many times. For some reason though, I couldn't find it within myself to completely give up on you. I've always had some hope that you would turn your life around.

Today I was reminded that there is always hope in a seemingly hopeless situation. It's been over a month since I've seen you or heard your voice. I hope you're doing well. I know that right now you're trying to change and turn your life around. I sincerely hope it is for real this time. I don't understand why you won't let your walls down. I would love to be a part of this transformation. If only you would let me. But you won't, and I'll accept that. I'll keep praying for you, because it's the only way I can help you. I just want you to know.....
I forgive you. I miss you. I LOVE YOU.

Love you will all my heart,

Steph Steph

Cuh-plunk!

     When I woke up this morning, I had already decided to skip my first class and study for a math test I had afterwards. As I'm pulling out of the driveway to leave for school, I have a sudden gut-feeling that I should take the Expedition instead. It's my mom's car that I'm allowed to borrow if I'm having car trouble. I ignored that feeling, and told myself it was nonsense. I thought it was ridiculous. Everything would be alright because my car was running just fine.
     I'm at the turning lane of an intersection about a mile away from school, and then CUH-PLUNK. The "check engine" light comes on. No way! This has happened once before. All I have to do is put the car in park, turn it off, and then restart it. No big deal. Except it doesn't restart this time 0.o
     So now my car broke down at an intersection. The stoplight turns green and the cars behind me start honking. Naturally, this would make me more anxious in an already worriesome situation. Not to mention that it's raining outside on top of all this. The light turns green again and the people are tired of honking at me. They become innovative and decide to go around me. The same thing happens again with another line of cars. Not one person stopped to ask what was wrong with my car or tried to help me in any way. I put my hands and my forehead on the steering wheel, closed my eyes, and asked God to help me.
     As I was pulling my Triple A card out of my wallet, I see a man walking through the traffic. I assume he either has a death wish or must have had Nutty Bars for breakfast. He knocks on my window and tells me to get out of the car and put it in neutral. I was dumbfounded and thankful that someone was finally helping me, but I couldn't really understand what he was saying. So he did it for me. Then he tells me that we're going to get the car out of the intersection. I had to get on the passenger side of the car and help him push it. Incoming traffic had to stop as we pushed the car through the intersection and into the Advanced Auto Parts parking lot.
     Once we got into the parking lot, the man told me that everything will be fine and I just need to relax. It's not the first time I've broken down in the rain, but it was the first time I've broken down at an intersection. So I was pretty stressed out. I kept saying thank you to the man. He said "You don't need to thank me. Thank Dios because this was all Him." This was an eye-opener. Here was a Christian helping me when no one else would because it was an inconvenience to their busy schedules.
     We went inside of Advanced Auto Parts. Either the guy worked there or he had connections because I heard good news. They were going to check out my car for free. They jumpstarted it and the engine started up once. It didn't stay running so I had to call Triple A and have it towed to the mechanic. My dad and I ended up going to Downtowm Pizza and to see Courageous. We laughed ourselves to tears on the way home from remembering old stories. I'm going to talk to my professor tomorrow and explain today's dilemma. I'm sure I can make up the test.
     Moral of the story? I'm not really sure. Take what you want from it. Maybe someone reading this needs to learn to trust God in stressful circumstances and know that everything will be fine as long as you seek Him for help. Someone else reading this may realize that they need to take a moment to help someone in need, even if it's an inconvenience.
     What I get out of it is something a little different. There are still Christians who not only talk the talk, but they walk the walk. They don't only profess to be Christians, but they also live it out. They put their words into action. Many people ignored me this morning when I needed help. I wonder how many of them were Christian. But there was one man who saw me in distress and he did the right thing. How many of us walk by those in need? Thank you, Charles, for being my angel in disguise.

Skillet - Looking For Angels

"But if anyone has the world's goods and sees his brother in need, yet closes his heart against him, how does God's love abide in him?"
1 John 3:17

Bad things happen to good people.

There's one question that every person, regardless of race or religion, has asked at some point in their life. Why do bad things happen to good people?

I've been asked this so many times by people who aren't Christian. I've even asked it before. This isn't a simple question, so there isn't a simple answer.

Let's start off with something in psychology called the just-world phenomenon. This is the tendency of people to believe that the world is just and that people therefore get what they deserve and deserve what they get. It's pretty much "karma." Keep in mind though that this is NOT a Christian concept. God can be the only judge of what is just or unjust.

So how can you determine if something bad has happened to a good person? You can't. We might think that something is bad for us, when really it may have been the best thing that's ever happened to us. As humans, we only see the past and the present. We cannot see the future. Only God can see the future. Just think back to your past when you were stuggling with something that you were able to overcome. AFTER you went through it, I bet you made some sense of it. You probably found some purpose as to why you went through it. Yet you couldn't see the reason during your struggle. It was only afterwards that you were able to see a purpose or a reason. We never know what good things may come out of a bad situation. For example, a very close friend of mine got into a car accident over a year ago. She was the only one wearing a seat belt, and she's the only one who didn't live. She is a good, loving, young woman. Yet why would something like this happen to a person like her? There's no logical answer or anything that can help make sense of the situation. BUT, her family donated her organs and that saved the lives of a few other people.

Look at it this way: You learn to appreciate the good times after you overcome the bad times. You cannot appreciate light without dwelling in darkness. Some of your best and happiest moments in life are going to come after some of your worst and lowest moments. You cannot grow as a person without going through some type of hardship.

^" Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance;  perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us."
-Romans 5:3-5

Usually when Christians are going through a trial, one of two things will happen. Either the person loses their faith, or their faith becomes stronger. I hope it's the latter. I look at it as a way of drawing closer to God. Your faith in God cannot grow without being tested. Some things are not possible to get through without relying on God. Even if you are a good person who has had something bad happen to them, rely on God to get you through it.

"If you do not stand firm in your faith, you will not stand at all." Isaiah 7:9

It's never too late to get your faith back. Even if you've had doubts about how there can be a just & loving God in such a screwed up world. I implore you to look past all of the evil and bad things and to look at the good things. For just a moment, look away from the suffering and focus on the blessings. Pray to have your faith back, or to try and find it again. You have to start somewhere. But start with knowing that despite all of the chaos, dischord, and turmoil in your life, God has been and will always be there for you in times of sorrow and times of joy. All you have to do is look for Him.

^"The righteous person may have many troubles,
   but the LORD delivers him from them all;
He protects all his bones,
   not one of them will be broken. "

Laura Story - Blessings

Lift your face.

²¹ “Come to terms with God and be at peace;
in this way good will come to you.
²² Recieve instruction from His mouth,
   and place His sayings in your heart.
²³ If you return to the Almighty, you will be renewed.
  If you banish injustice from your tent
²⁴ and consign your gold to the dust,
   the gold of Ophir to the stones in the ravines,
²⁵ the Almighty will be your gold,
   and your finest silver.
²⁶ Then you will delight in the Almighty
and lift up your face to God.
²⁷ You will pray to him, and he will hear you,
and you will fulfill your vows.
²⁸ When you make a decision, it will be carried out,
and light will shine on your ways.
²⁹ When others are humiliated and you say, ‘Lift them up!’
   God will save the humble.
³⁰ He will even rescue the guilty one,
who will be rescued by the purity of your hands.”

Job 22:21-30

Tic Toc.

I don't know about you, but I'm always looking at the time. Even when I don't have to be somewhere or do anything for a certain amount of time. There's always something to do or somewhere to be. Someone to talk to or something to read. Life is so hectic and busy. ALL THE TIME. It's like we're just go go going, and never take time to simply stop and breathe. If you barely have time to stop and take a breather, how about that daily prayer time?

Since school started I've been slacking in my relationship with God. Majorly slacking. Don't get me wrong. I still go to a Christian school, church a few times a week, and do my own bible studies. I pray too before I go to sleep at night. But I don't really spend as much time with God as I should.

I feel like I'm crumbling underneath all of this stress. During the week it's school and homework. I still have friends and family that I spend time with. On weekends I go to church and work. So I don't have a lot of time for homework and begin to fall behind a little. The entire day will go by and I'll realize that I didn't spend much of it with God.

It really hit me tonight when I was at college group. I really felt the stress and just a bunch of negative feelings. After thinking about it, I knew why I felt like this. It's because I haven't been talking to anyone about anything. Not just that. But that I haven't been talking to God about anything. About what makes me happy or sad or frustrated or peaceful.

I talked to Him when I got home tonight. All the weight on my shoulders was gone. Simply because I opened up and poured out my heart in prayer, in a conversation with Him.

What's it worth?

On average, how many times a day do you look in the mirror? You do it when you wake up in the morning, before you leave for school or work, before you hang out with friends, while you're out and about, as you're stopped at a red light, every single time you visit the bathroom (this alone is several times a day for women), when you return home, and before you go to sleep. This doesn't even mention the little glimpses you catch of yourself as you're walking by mirrors or see your reflection elsewhere. Why is it so important to look at yourself in the mirror several times a day?

Because appearance matters. You want to make sure you're dressed appropriately and in style. You have to make sure you didn't forget to zip up your pants, button your shirt, or brush your hair. Face it: You care about what other people think of you. Acceptance is a must, and you want others to like you. In order to be accepted you buy certain clothes, live in specific places, pay lots of money for a fancy car, work in "higher class" jobs, and seek attractive friends. All of this is to keep up with your image and how others view you.

How do YOU view yourself? Truthfully, underneath it all. Every single person has been jealous of someone else for some odd reason. Usually it's because someone else has something that we want. Girls get jealous of other girls easily. For being skinnier than they are. For their best friend's really cute, nice boyfriend. For having a good sense of fashion. For passing that math test the rest of the students failed. I can't speak from experience, but I know most guys are envious of that really nice Mustang parked right next to them.

Why are we envious? Because we aren't comfortable with who we are or what we already have. We want all of these THINGS that society says we need in order to be happy. Without them we feel empty or self-conscious. We let others define us and what we're worth by what we own and how we look. We end up feeling worthless or like we don't make the cut. Ultimately, we feel like we're not good enough.

You can't define my worth. No single person can tell me I'm not good enough. No teacher can tell me I'm not smart enough. No beauty magazine or make-up advertisement can tell me that I'm not pretty enough. I don't measure my self-worth by the standards of this world. If I did, then I would be worthless.

My self-worth is measured in the eyes of God. Though I have my faults and flaws, I am perfect to Him. He loves me regardless and I am worth more than anything else this world has to offer. Gold and diamonds are ashes compared to my love for Him. He offers forgiveness and true inner peace. When I am weak and feel I can't make it on my own, He is my strength and keeps me from crumbling. My self-worth is defined by this: I am complete in Him.

I am no different than you. How do you measure your self-worth?

Lecrae - Identity

"I will praise You,

because I have been remarkably and wonderfully made.

Your works are wonderful,

and I know this very well."

Psalms 139:14

Strength.

There is an amazing woman I know. She has been a great blessing to me since I met her the summer of 2007. She has been leading our church's youth group for over a year now. She also teaches the college group. You will never meet a more hard working or sacrificial person. Need any help? She is always volunteering and willing to lend a helping hand. This woman has been a role model for me when I really needed one. Her influence in my life this past year has been astounding: by helping me grow spiritually and teaching me what it means to be a true woman of God. I would like you to meet Ms. Patti Cain.

Recently, Ms. Patti has been diagnosed with breast cancer. The past few months have been really hard for her, and that is an understatement. After undergoing the necessary treatments, she feels drained. There are good days and bad days. Even on the bad days though, she doesn't give up. This woman is unstoppable! Even cancer cannot defeat or hinder her. Since May 31st she has had only one sick day. Yeah, I bet your jaw just dropped a little bit. Maybe even a lot. She still works at least 40 hours a week. There are some days where she doesn't have the energy to get out of bed. Yet, somehow she manages to keep up with her commitments. She is still involved at work, church, and family. Personally, I know she does more than expected and pushes herself further. She takes on extra activities with events at church and work. Even after having breast cancer, Ms. Patti is still living her life. She isn't letting it alter her lifestyle .When asked how she does it, she replies "the Lord." Without Him she wouldn't be functioning right now. She no longer relies on her own strength to get through the day. She relies solely on the Lord. Getting through this experience isn't going to be easy, but she is remaining faithful to the Lord. Instead of being bitter or resentful about the circumstances, she is accepting and learning from it. That way the Lord may be glorified through her hard times. Instead of surviving, she is thriving.

"Look at your circumstances and USE them." - Patti Cain

We should look at her experience and be inspired. I know I am. She is proof that God is there even when things look grim. Even when we can't stand on our own, He will help us stand. We run out of energy, but His strength will never fail you. Where is your strength coming from?

"Though he falls, he will not be overwhelmed,

because the Lord holds his hand." Psalm 37:24

Riches.

These verses really stuck out to me while I was having my morning quiet time. I tried to keep reading, but I couldn't. I kept pondering theses verses and what they meant.
Isaiah 5:8
8 Woe to you who add house to house
and join field to field
till no space is left
and you live alone in the land.

I really had to meditate on this verse. The person is adding house to house and field to field. It sounds like they are gathering riches for themselves. They want all of this land to belong to them. Eventually, all of the land is theirs and there is no more space to acquire. They have all of the land they wanted, but they are alone. Why have everything you desire if there's no one to share it with?

Isaiah 5:12
12 They have harps and lyres at their banquets,
pipes and timbrels and wine,
but they have no regard for the deeds of the LORD,
no respect for the work of His hands.

Now this really hit home. These people have everything they want on earth. They have companionship, music, wine, and merriment. In the midst of all this, they forget what God has done for them. They were spiritually blind to the things He was doing all around them.

I'm convinced a lot of us do the same thing even now. We get caught up in our everyday lives with family, friends, work, school, relationships, and other distractions. When things are going good and we have everything we need on earth, we tend to push God to the side. He doesn't get the attention He deserves. Our eyes are closed to the work of His hands. Too soon do we forget that everything He's given us is a blessing. We focus our eyes on the things of this world and take them off of God. Forget earthly riches. It makes us spiritually blind to the things He's doing.  Are your eyes open?

Boundless.

This heart is heavy,
as if weighed down by lead.
Your words cut like knives,
straight into my very core.
They will haunt me
until the day I return Home.
Your acidic utterance
has caused restlessness with my soul.
Nothing in this earthly realm
can make this anxiety recede.
With the Lord alone may I find rest.
Your arms, Father, hold me together
and keep me from crumbling.
In this hour of need,
when chaos is all around,
serenity dwells in Your boundless love.

....♥?

Today when I was talking with one of my friends, she asked me what I thought love was.... I immediately responded with "God is love." That seems like a no brainer to me. I kind of feel that people have made it into a simple catch phrase. Do you know what it really means that God is love? Let's dig a little deeper.

1 John 4:8

^"Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love."

Have you ever had a really close friend, boyfriend/girlfriend, or family member that always seems find a way to hurt you? They always manage to do something. It might be lying to you or ignoring you. It might be not spending time with you. They might have even done something to lose your trust. Whatever the case is, you gave them love and you feel like they didn't return it. Somehow, some way, they hurt you and things will never be the same. I wonder how you reacted and treated them afterwards. Did you shun them or forgive them? We hurt God some of the same ways that others hurt us. Yet He loves us unconditionally. Even after we hurt Him, He still wants us to be His. In my eyes, THAT is love: Loving someone regardless of their follies.<3

So when you tell someone you love them, I hope you know what you're truly saying. You're really saying you love them despite their mistakes or screw ups. You love them the way God loves you. Once you know the unconditional love of God, NOTHING can ever take that away from you.

 "And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. ³⁹ No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:38-39

Peace in a Medley of Emotions.

I debated just writing a poem about it. Right now I'm feeling a medley of emotions so I don't have the time or patience...

Yesterday my mom went over to my aunt's house to get a few things. Not even being there for five minutes, my mom witnessed my aunt have a seizure. Such a terrifying experience. I don't know what I would've done. I probably would've wanted to freeze up. My mom did the smart thing and called 911. Still, seeing someone that close to you in this kind of condition... That memory will never go away.

I'm really learning to trust God with everything, in every situation, whether it is extreme or trivial. Sometimes I veer away from Him for a little while, but He is always there with me. It's not something one can explain with words. Either you know the all encompassing feeling of His presence, or you don't. If you don't, then I genuinely hope you find it. I cannot imagine getting through some things if God had not been my rock. He is always my inspiration for moving forward. I always have some sense of hope that things will get better. Even when the outcome doesn't look so good, I always have this inner peace that everything will turn out for the best.

"You will keep him in perfect peace,
Whose mind is stayed on You,
Because he trusts in You.
Trust in the Lord forever,
For in YAH, the Lord, is everlasting strength."  Isaiah 26:3-4

Please pray for my aunt, my mom, and the rest of my family.

Tarnished.

Swift to forget Your blessing,
hesitant to answer Your call,
and slow to start confessing
how badly sin makes me fall.

My face remains hidden
and this heart stays sealed.
With life lived as a midden,
may a tarnished soul be healed?

By grace, they say,
all of my errors and iniquity
can be washed away.
Oh, the overwhelming possibility!

Looking past my transgressions
and into my unworthy heart,
You love me without condition
and view me as Your work of art.

Embrace.

Wow. WHAT A WEEK. I'm so happy and content lately that I almost feel overwhelmed.

I've had blessings fall out of the sky and right into my lap. I've got a new '93 Ford Taurus. Soon I can drive her. Just have to tweak some things. She's almost as old as I am. I HAVE A NEW BIKE. I absolutely love bike riding. It's one of my favorite things to do in the entire world. It's one of the only places I'm completely relaxed without any anxiety. It frees my mind. I can bike ride for hours on end. My old bike broke almost a year ago. My lovely mom and Aunt Denise surprised me with it. Speaking of my mom.... you are such a blessing. Our relationship means so much to me. I can't tell you how much. I finally have what I've wanted since I was eleven years old. <3

As a person I feel myself growing. Of course people grow. It sounds silly at first. But I feel like my eyes have been opened to see so much more. I feel like it's easier to love people. Even if we don't agree on things or we clash. I'm ready for what the rest of the summer is going to bring. I'm ready for college and it's challenges. I'm ready to be there for my friends whenever they need me. I'm ready to fall on my face if I need to and turn to God when everything overwhelms me. Let me remind you of something. I never used to be like this. I used to want to run and hide from God and change and the future. With time and faith though, I've accepted new challenges and change. Even the painful change. I know that whatever comes my way, whether it blesses me or makes me suffer, God is my rock and my sanity and what holds me together. Better yet, He makes me complete. With Him, I can embrace anything and thrive while doing so.

Time is a River.

I always feel like I have so much to say or so much to write about. But then I go forever without writing. I'm going to try and set more time aside to write. LOL maybe people will read it more. I'm going to write about an observation I've made.

Sooooooo today I found out that my mom was in the hospital. She got into some sort of bike accident and ended up fracturing her leg. I went to visit her and made sure she was okay. My Nana came too. She's the closest thing I've ever really had to a grandma. We all talked for a few hours. I learned a lot about my Nana. Until recently, I haven't been seeing or communicating with my mom or my Nana that often. It's been kind of on and off for the past few years. Lately though, we've been spending time together at random. Over the years I have forgotten the importance of family. I've missed that feeling of closeness with people other than friends.

Ever since I've gotten home from the Alabama trip, I was kinda bummed. I knew that when I came home I would have to deal with a lot of change. I really extremely badly wanted to stay in Alabama for another three weeks with my Mud Family. With them I always feel welcome and there's never really any turmoil. If there is, then they deal with it in a loving way. That's one reason I absolutely love all of them. I kinda begrudged coming home and was whiny towards God. I wanted something and He told me no. Now I understand why. If I had stayed in Alabama like I wanted, then I would have missed out on a lot of things here at home. I wouldn't have been there for my mom. I probably wouldn't have had the chance to get close with my Nana either. I wouldn't have been able to spend any time with my brother, who I haven't seen for over a month. Even though things didn't go the way I had wanted, everything turned out fine and better than I thought. I'm really thankful for the time I've got to have with the people I love.

There's definitely a moral to the story. I'll tell you just in case you haven't picked it up yet :) If things had gone in my timing, then I would be in Alabama right now. I would have missed out on important events. Luckily, things didn't go in my timing. Rather, everything in my life is happening in God's timing. I might be impatient and question why I have to wait, but it's always better that way. No matter what or how long you have to wait, listen and be watchful for what God is saying. Don't be whiny and moan and groan and complain. There's always a purpose. So for the time being, be patient and persistent. Don't give up because things aren't going according to your will or how you thought everything would turn out. The most important thing is to have faith that He will always take care of you and make sure things fall properly and perfectly into place. Even if it's not the way you expected ;)

Habakkuk 2:3

³ For the revelation awaits an appointed time;
it speaks of the end
and will not prove false.
Though it linger, wait for it;
it will certainly come
and will not delay.

lukewarm.

Today the message was about what it means to be a lukewarm Christian. Have you ever seen those people who claim to be Christian but they don't live a very Christian life? Doing good works alone isn't enough to get you to heaven. Faith without works is useless. Why say you believe in something if you don't follow your own beliefs? God doesn't want your leftovers. He wants ALL of you.

Today was the first day of camp. It was kind of hectic. The teens here are great. They're close. It's nice seeing new faces and having the chance to get to know new people. I get to reconnect with people that I haven't seen in a long time. Probably a year or longer. I'm not a counselor because I'm not eighteen yet (SIX MONTHS!!), but I do get to help out and I do help run the camp still. I hope God uses me to affect one person this week. I want to really get to know someone and be the one person they needed to talk with.

I miss everyone at home. But I'm so ecstatic to be here. I don't want any distractions. When I'm here right now, I feel like I can breathe. I feel so close to God. It's hard for me to feel like that throughout the entire year. Sometimes I feel like no matter how loud I talk, no one is listening. Here, when I'm with God, I know He's listening and He cares. My biggest prayer is that when I get home I can keep this feeling and that it doesn't fade.

On a positive note, my dad said I got a letter from my sponser child (Mercy)!!! I can't wait to reply. I want to meet this little girl so much. At least I know I'm making a postive difference in her life even though she lives half way around the world.

stalemate.

soooo it's been awhile since I've written a blog. There's a reason for that. I haven't really had much to write about. I feel like I've just been in this rut that I can't get out of. I guess I can just call it a stalemate. I feel like I haven't really been doing much for God these past two months. That thought really bothers me, so I'm going to change it. I have to.

Right now I'm in Alabama. I'm hosting a camp with Mud Ministry. It's a refuel camp for teens. Kind of like a Christian revival. Not just for them, but for the mudlets and camp staff too. I'll be here in Alabama for two weeks. I'm hoping to learn a lot. I really want to feel like I've accomplished something by being here. Even if it was smiling at someone who was feeling down. I want to feel like I'm making a difference somehow. I'll try writing as much as I can the next two weeks. 

Even though I miss everyone at home, I'm really excited to be here. I know God has a lot in store for me the next two weeks. The people here are amazing. The kids that come here are amazing. I love seeing people come together from so many different walks of life. No matter where we've been or where we're going, we're all here to worship the God we love and want to live for.

Revision.

I'm not entirely sure what classifies someone as a "good person." Someone classified as a "good person" doesn't always live up to the generalization. Every good person has something in their life that needs revision, no matter how much of a saint they appear to be. Not everyone likes being corrected, but sometimes it's needed. At times we have to correct ourselves. Specifically, I have had to correct myself. Time to quit being stubborn. I'm not always right about things. I can be wrong. Change isn't always easy but it's necessary.  :p

Mercy.

Mercy is a person. In fact, she's a girl. The little girl I'm sponsoring! She lives in Kenya and is only four years old. Today I wrote her a letter for the first time. I'm so excited. I've decided that one day I'm going to meet her and visit her in Kenya.

Sponsoring a child means sending a certain amount of money to them per month. A little money goes a long way in a child's life who faces poverty. It provides them with medical care, food, a roof over their head, and clothes. As little as $30 a month guarentees Mercy's well-being. It makes sure that she is taken care of. She lives in an aids infected area, so it helps ensure that she isn't infected. $30 might seem like a lot at first, but in all reality it's not that expensive. How much do you spend on going out to eat per month or other frivolous things such as going out to the movies? I'd give up these things in a heart beat if I was able to give the money to someone else who needed it more. If you want to learn more about sponsoring a child of your own: go to compassion.com.

Mercy might not be able to write back to my letters yet, but I'm going to keep sending them anyways. One day she will be old enough to reply, and I'm hoping that I was able to make a positive difference in her life. A little more hope comes with each letter. Especially knowing that someone on the other side of the world loves her even though we've never met. <3

the curse of desire.

Have you ever felt so strongly about something that all of your heart and soul beg for it? You feel as if you cannot breathe once it is taken away from you? This passion is nearly unbearable once its source is stolen. To be deprived of this certain thing is worse than not having any food or water. That big ball of light that filled your heart is snuffed out and you sit in absolute darkness. You yearn for something that is just out of reach. The situation should be easy, but it is so difficult for some reason.

You're in my prayers. I pray that you never lose hope or lose sight of what you feel so much passion for. Sooner than you think, it will be at your fingertips.

Say hi for me!

This blog is going to be short, sweet, and to the point. Lately God has been blessing me so much. With everything. I've been worried about how I'm going to pay for college, but I have almost everything paid for with scholarships. Also, I was worried about how I would be able to pay for the missions trips this summer, and everything is taken care of. Thank you to anonymous donations! I've been blessed with a very part-time job that I actually enjoy. I get to work with close friends and improve photography skills. Not many people find a job they like. Especially one that comes out of thin air. This will help me save up to come up with the rest of the money for college. High school is almost over. A little over two weeks and my summer begins. I can focus more on maybe volunteering somewhere and getting other things done, like learning Spanish or piano :)

Besides financial blessings, I've been blessed with amazing people in my life. My dad has always been there even when others haven't. I am very proud of my mom for trying to stay sober after eight years of alcoholism. It's crazy to think how much time went by. I am becoming more proud of my brother as he tries to improve his life too. I know he can do it as long as he tries. My friends are such a blessing too. If I start writing about them, this blog will no longer be short lol. Let's just say that there's a select few that have been with me for as long as I can remember and they mean more than the world to me. I've also made some new friends and they're absolutely wonderful. :). I can't forget to mention a boy I've been blessed with soooo much. He makes me very happy and the first thing he said when we started dating was "Let's have God as the center of our relationship." Hello to one-of-a-kind. To be dating someone who has the same belief as I do is amazing. Some people never experience love, and I'm blessed to have my love returned<3.

The biggest blessing of all though is how much I've grown in the past year. I can look fear in the face and no longer be terrified because I have faith. With faith, everything looks different. Faith isn't seeing blindly. It is seeing what others are too afraid to see, and experiencing things you never would have thought possible.

congestion

There's a little bug going around. It seems like everyone is sick. Most of my friends are sick with something. I was one of the first to be bitten. My eyes have been itchy so I've had visit the doctor and take prescribed eye drops. And I've been so congested that I have a hard time hearing out of my ears. Sometimes I can hear if I get enough of the congestion out. My ears pop and suddenly everything just sounds so clear. Then my ears are congested again and I'm back to deafness. Never heard of ear congestion? LOL it exists.

I think the same thing happens to us spiritually. Let's call it spiritual congestion. You're doing good spiritually. You're healthy and strong in the Lord. Then something bites you and you get sick. The bite is temptation, and the sickness is sin. When you're sick, you try and get better but it doesn't always work, even with medicine. Once you get sick it can be really hard to get rid of. Especially when you don't know what bit you in the first place. You try to fight off the sickness, but your symptoms only seem to get worse. Just like being sick gave me itchy eyes, sin makes it hard for you to see clearly. The fine line between right and wrong becomes blurred. Or you cannot see what you should do in certain situations.  Just like the real icky snot congestion makes it hard for me to hear, sin makes you spiritually congested and hard for you to hear God. Even after I was able to pop my ears and get rid of some of the congestion, it came back because I didn't have the proper medicine. The same thing happens when we try to purge sin out of our lives. We are good for awhile and can hear again. But unless we take the proper medicine, like reading the Bible and praying, we fall back into sin and become sick again.

I was sick before, but slowly I am becoming healthy again.

Are YOU spiritually congested?

With faith.

This morning before I went to the doctor's office I decided to read my Bible. I haven't really just sat down to read it, outside of church, for about a week or two. Just I haven't "had time" because I've been busy doing homework and focusing on school to make sure I get everything done in time for graduation.

So as I was reading my Bible I came across Daniel in the Old Testament. I started from the beginning and got about half way through the entire chapter. So many miracles occurred throughout this book.

There was one specifically that stood out to me. Daniel, Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego were put under the rule of king Nebuchadnezzar of Babylon. All four of them were given much authority in his Kingdom. This King became a powerful king because God had allowed it to be so. King Nebuchadnezzar made a decree saying that everyone in his kingdom must fall down on their knees and face and worship a gold statue when they hear all kinds of music. The punishment for disobeying this decree is being thrown into a blazing furnace. Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego were brought before the king for not following this decree. The king gave them one last chance to worship the image he made or they will be thrown into the blazing furnace. They responded by saying that God would save them from the furnace if they were thrown into it. Also, if God didn't rescue them then they still wouldn't worship the gold idol. Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego were bound and thrown into the furnace.
 ²⁵ He said, “Look! I see four men walking around in the fire, unbound and unharmed, and the fourth looks like a son of the gods.”

King Nebuchadnezzar was amazed that Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego were not burning or dying. He opened the furnace and demanded that they came back out. God had sent an angel to rescue them from the fire. Then the King said "No other God can save this way," so he promoted Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego and gave themhigh ranking positions in his kingdom.

Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego trusted in God eve when they were faced with death. They had faith that the Lord wouldn't let them perish in the fire. If He didn't save them,  they would rather die than deny God and worship an idol. They remained faithful no matter what happened to them. They were thrown into the fire but God rescued them because of the faith they had in Him. Because they believed He could do anything, God sent them an angel that kept them from burning. They didn't even smell like fire when they left the furnace. In the end, Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego were blessed because of their faith. They didn't falter in the hard times because they believed God would see them through until the end.

Imagine if we all had this kind of faith. That AP exam wouldn't seem like such a big deal. Dealing with things would be so much easier. You would believe that God can pull you through ANYTHING. As a Christian, it is okay to be afraid of things and their outcomes at first. But we should be strong and put our faith in the Lord knowing that, ultimately, He is in control. No matter what, if you have faith then you know that God will never leave you. Even if He seems like He isn't there, have faith that He's looking over you and this hard time will pass. With faith you know it'll end soon. Just like Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego, God won't let you perish in the fire you're thrown in. If you have faith, He will send you an angel to rescue you and it'll be okay in the end.

My question for you: What do you put YOUR faith in?

Angel, Dearest Angel

Words cannot convey

The heart breaking tragedy

That occurred one year ago today.

Angel, dearest angel, you have left me!

A sweet, innocent, pure white soul

Has been freed. The world did shake

When car met pole, when Death stole

What was not his to take.

Cradled in his arms you slept

Unconscious for two days,

While cascading waterfalls were wept

Until we could let you be taken away.

Up! Up! And up you flew

Until arriving at the pearly entrance

Where face to face your Maker stood with you,

Explaining why your life met its advance.

It was time for our angel to return home.

Good things would come of this:

Your life lost saved four lives that roam

The earth you parted with.

Time there was well spent

Even though your absence stings

And they wonder where you went,

We may give our angel back her wings.

Time continued on.

It rained for months, as if the world shed tears

Because it knew you were gone.

The sun refused to shine here

After you said your crowning goodbye.

With closure of a painless last breath,

Forever I shall remember your smiling eyes

Which shall not be clouded by death.

Reminiscing, your loving laugh echoes

Everywhere I wander. In my heart

You will eternally be stowed

For even in death you shall not part.

In loving memory of Allsion Dale Sheffield.
You're always in my heart babygirl<3

The Closet Nerd.

If everyone worked together and did their part, the world would be such a better place. If everyone was selfless then a lot of problems would be resolved. There would be no evil. If I could change one thing in the world it would simply be this:
change all of the hate in this world into love.

There are people who live without ever experencing love. Some people don't even experience the love of a pet or an animal. Those of you who have felt love of some sort, imagine living a life without ever experiencing love. Try to imagine how lonely and depressing that must be.

This is for all the people who are Christians. We are called to love everyone, regardless of whether or not you like them. If someone you don't get along with is struggling with something and you have the opportunity to help them, what would you do? You can either put aside your differences and help them as Christ would. OR, you can ignore them as any other person would. The choice is up to you.

We pass too many chances to help others for a variety of reasons. You might be too judgemental, to selfish, or just too busy. Why are you going to ignore someone because they're a little weird? I bet you're a closet nerd too. If someone needs your help, you should help them. If someone is crying out to you, obviously they need it. Who are we to not offer a helping hand if we have one? Most people have two hands to offer, yet we can't even sacrifice one. If you gave people a chance and looked past your first impression based on your own judgement, you might find a new friend. You might even end up saving a life.

Consider this: one thing that makes a Christian different is that we are supposed to do things that normal everyday people would not even think of. For example, this might be helping someone you truly just don't like. It might be forgiving someone who does not appreciate forgiveness. It might be stepping out of your comfort zone and acting.

Yes, you heard me right. I said ACTING. I bet this is the part where you cringe away at the thought of actually doing something. I think Christians are too comfortable in their own skin. In a crowd of people Christians are meant to stand out in a positive way. We are too comfortable with everyday life. We like to steal, curse, fornicate, judge, lie, covet, and be prideful as much as the next person. But we are meant to be different. So........ why aren't we always different?

Different Perspective.

This is a response to my previous blog Break Your Chains.

"Tears for sure.  Few things to also mention...... An addict does not realize the full affect they have on their loved ones while inside their addiction.  You can express time and time again and they just won't get it!  Why?  I can personally tell you only from my side of an addiction.  Alcohol is an ALLERGY!  When addicted the endorphines in your brain tell you that you want more and more.  It starts out slowly....then the next thing you know you are drinking every part of the day!  Literally, the alcoholic can drink their life away!  And you are right....we hide behind our addiction.  Our feelings about ourselves have to remain buried while the addiction takes over.  We cannot face the shame, the guilt, the fear, nor THE TRUTH!  Just what you said...Until WE change it ourselves.  Some may never make that choice.  Are we unlovable?  No!  Do you have awesome characteristics when sober?  Yes!  In the same, alcohol may also give the addict the "nerve" to actually share their emotions.  May not come out right and sometimes it is finger pointing.  The finger pointing is the alcohol though.  We feel terribly guilty all the time.  All the "should haves," "could haves," "dids," "didn'ts," "wants," and "desires"  HAUNT us.  And that is why many stay within their addiction.  Some just don't KNOW A DIFFERENT WAY OF LIFE!  We are born with it.  The way you were raised by your parents certainly affects your decision to try it or not.  Once you do, you don't give it up!  (Within that statement, I recognize the guilt I feel as a parent!  Guilt just like a non addict would.)  Even from THE INSIDE OF ADDICTION, it is hard to clarify. 

Steph,  I am sorry for all the pain I have caused.  Knowingly at times, but mostly Unknowing due to my addiction.  It is not ANYONE's "persay" fault.  But yes, there is hope.  And I have a desire to feel that instead of all the detrimental emotions.  Please also recognize that certain disabilities can trigger an addiction.  You know I maintain my sobriety for a long time while you grew up.  Those are the years I keep in my heart.  I need to get sober again so I can look for to the future with the same hopes and dreams.  I choose to take the first step.  I pray for the Lord's guidance along the way.

I love you more than you will ever know!  I am proud of you!  You are truly special!"

Dear Mom,

I love you and no longer resent anything. Even if you never become sober, I will still love you and nothing will ever change that. Not even addiction. I believe there is hope if you try and believe in yourself. I know you can gain your sobriety back with support and help from God. Never give up or let anyone tell you can't, including yourself. Focus on how positive of a decision this is. Don't focus on the past but just look forward to the future. I support you more than you can imagine, and I have a lot of people praying for you. I miss you and you mean the world to me.

<3 stephie-annie (:

Dear others,

Change is possible if you are willing to make it happen.

Break your chains.

There's something I've been wanting to write about for a few weeks but until now I haven't been able to find the words...


Addiction. Not many people understand it, or what it really means. Usually you do not know the full effects that addiction can have on family, spirituality, or even the addict themselves unless you have witnessed it or struggle with it personally.

What is addiction? Addiction is "the state of being enslaved to a habit or practice or to something that is psychologically or physically habit-forming, as narcotics, to such an extent that its cessation causes severe trauma." Addiction doesn't always refer to drugs or alcohol. For example, someone can be addicted to sex. I am mostly addressing alcoholism and drug addiction though.

Addiction has many sides and many points of views. I cannot speak for an addict, but I can speak for someone who has grown up around one for most of their life. One of the hardest things to understand is where addiction comes from. At first you want to blame the addict for their actions. The fact that they love their drug or Bud more than they love you as a human being is infuriating. Quite frankly, that feeling sucks. But you have to understand that addiction is not just a lack of will power or morals. It's been proven that addiction is hereditary. Lol and my family proves this study. You cannot blame someone for their genetics. Then again, each individual is given a choice on how to deal with the cards they are given.

Even if someone gives up their battle to addiction and becomes its victim, it is your choice on how to react. You can get mad, be upset, throw a fit, or cry all you want, but ultimately an addict is still an addict until they choose otherwise. One of the hardest things about loving an addict is that you always want to blame yourself or question why you are not good enough to keep them sober. Something you need to accept is that it is not your fault. You did nothing to make them that way. Also, even if they blame you for their drinking or drug addiction, it is not your fault either. You are not forcing them to drink, nor are you forcing them to do drugs. Quit putting the blame on yourself or accepting the blame you are given.

How do you accept an addict for who they are then? You love them. That is all you can do. You can tell them that you are there for them. You can pray for them. Do not get angry at them. Fighting with an addict is pointless. Honestly, they probably won't even remember what happened when tomorrow comes around. Have compassion for them. Do not condemn them for their actions, because being angry and blaming people solves nothing. You should have compassion for an addict because of their internal struggles. They often feel remorse about their addiction and they turn to the substance as a way to deal with it. In all reality it just feeds the cycle and makes it worse.

If you are an addict yourself and you know this, then you can change if you want to. There is always hope. You just have to believe in yourself and realize that you are worth something. You have to realize that the change is worth it once you surmount your addiction. It isn't something you can do for other people. You have to do it for yourself. It isn't easy and it takes effort and time and energy. It's going to be painful but in the end you will be so much happier. You need help if you want to do this. Most likely you cannot do it on your own. There are people who want to help you but you have to be willing to help yourself first. Aren't you tired of being a slave to your own habits? Free yourself, because you have the power to do so.

^"No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it."  1 Corinthians 10:13 

Fork in the Road

Decisions. You make them often. Some are harder than others. Yet some decisions you make seem like a giant fork in the road without a sign telling you what lies on the path ahead. How do you know if something is right for you? Sometimes you delude yourself into thinking that something is good for you, when really it isn't. OR maybe it just isn't what God has intended for you. No matter what you think is right for you, He knows better.

I've learned this from experience. At the time something seems so right, yet later you come to realize it was so wrong.  Right now I'm having this problem with college. I got accepted to Southeastern University with half of everything paid in scholarships. I already paid the enrollment fee and chose which dorm I prefer bunking in. It sounds all very nice and dandy. The problem? It's three hours away from home, away from comfort and everyone I love. I was willing to go away for college because I thought it would be best for me to be independent and on my own for awhile.

The other day in class when someone brought up Southeastern I got a bad feeling in my stomach. They pointed out that realistically I would only come home once in awhile. That's not how I thought it would be. So I prayed about it. Not only did I feel better, but I came up with an alternative. Why not just study at Palm Beach Atlantic, where I won't have to pay room and board? I have an appointment to talk with an admissions counselor. Hope it goes well!

Everyone has had that one hard decision to make. It may be deciding to break off an unhealthy relationship, accepting an addict for who they are regardless of their disease, choosing to give up something detrimental to you, or even realizing that you aren't alone and that people care about you. Choices can be hard to make on your own. It can especially be hard to make a decision if you don't know which direction is the right way to go. Isn't it a relief to know that you don't have to make these choices on your own?

The point of this is that no matter what situation, no matter how small or big, God is ALWAYS in control. If you ask him for help, He will help you. Even if you get a no, then there's a special reason why. There is something better waiting down the road. Until you reach that something, you won't understand why God is saying no. So don't get frustrated right away. Keep on praying, and be persistent. You'll come across your answers sooner than you think. And when you do, it will be better than you ever imagined.

Blemished.

This insomniac heart finds no rest,
   nor will it know peace
until your presence is shown.
  Your light, and yours alone
may illuminate this incessant darkness.
 
This spirit has been crushed
   from its own ceaseless wandering.
A drought has begun
  because these rivers have run dry,
     allowing destitution.
Nothing can replenish them,
  not anything on earth.
No well runs deep enough,
   nor is any pure enough
to cleanse this blemished intertior.

Only your water, oh Lord,
  may slake my thirst.
All of my being: flesh, heart, and soul:
  yearn for your touch.
Pick me up, rescue me from despair,
  and cradle me in your safe arms.
Do not let me fall victim to my afflictions,
  or be overcome by the storms raging within.
Forgive my follies,
  vindicate me from my vices.
Instill your will and virtues on my heart,
  where they may never be erased.

Breaking Words That Bind You.

What is a promise? It is defined as "to give an assurance of (something to someone); undertake (to do something) in the future:". Why are they so significant? Why is it so painful when they are broken?

From a biblical perspective, a promise is something to be fulfilled and carried out. This is seen in God's promise to never flood the earth again. The fulfillment of the old testament by sending Jesus to be crucified on Calvary. The promise that you can be reborn and have a fresh start with everything forgiven. And promises that are waiting to be fulfilled, such as the second coming of Christ. The point though is that God keeps His promises no matter what.

Numbers 23:19 "God is not a man, that he should lie, nor a son of man, that he should change his mind. Does he speak and then not act? Does he promise and not fulfill?"

Think about times people have broken promises to you. It didn't make you feel very warm and fuzzy, did it? In fact, it may have made you feel angry, unloved, or unimportant. Every single person is guilty of breaking a promise. It doesn't matter how small of a promise it is. If you give someone your word, they should be able to trust that your actions will match your words. Don't make a promise you can't keep because you are bound to break the words that bind you.

"I will not violate my covenant or alter what my lips have uttered." Psalm 89:34

If you ever make a promise to God, try and remember how He keeps the promises made to you. So why should you break the ones you make with Him? Think of how it felt to have someone you love break a promise to you. I bet it hurt extremely bad. Do you think it hurts God any less? If anything it hurts Him more. Know that God will never break His promises to you even though other people have broken their promises.

Isaiah 54:10 "Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed," says the LORD, who has compassion on you."