Love is...

Blind.  The heart does not understand when someone is gone. When a person is no longer there to talk to, give advice, share a smile, or offer comfort. It cannot comprehend this empty void a person leaves behind. Nor does it know how to fill this void with other things or people. It cannot make sense of the moments you cry when you're by yourself or the nights you cannot fall asleep. Love does not recognize a grave with a name and connect it with the living, breathing person you remember.

Relentless. It does not cease when a person passes away. It does not simply erase or erode when grief encompasses a heart. It does not falter or fade with passing time, although the grief may. It remembers conversations and unforgettable moments shared with no one else. The good memories of a lost loved one cause unbearable pain and sorrow at first. It only serves as a reminder of what you are missing. Eventually, the memories will bring a smile and come with healing. The void in your heart becomes a reservoir dedicated to the love for that one person who cannot be replaced.

Eternal. Even though a person is not physically there to remind you they love you, they are spiritually present. Life does not end in physical death. The person you still love is living on but differently. It does not change the fact that we miss them or we want them to be a part of our lives physically. But it does give us hope to see them again. Hope we otherwise would not have.

This has recently crossed my mind because it is the holiday season. This time is especially difficult for people who are missing someone that cannot be here to celebrate it. I have specifically been thinking of Christmas. It is supposed to be a reminder that Jesus, God Himself, came down from heaven with a purpose: to fulfill the promise He had given to redeem a fallen world and give hope to those who feel its brokenness. There is hope in the life, death, and resurrection of Jesus. He overcame death after being dead for three days. There is forgiveness and life for anyone who asks for it. A love that is unconditional. Life after death and the hope to see other people again.

If you have ever experienced loss of a loved one, I'm sure you have questioned whether or not there is more to this life. For all of the pain and suffering we experience... there must be.

During Christmas and every other day I will be missing Allie, Aunt Sue, Uncle David, Aunt Mo, and especially Lisa and Nana.

"13 Brothers and sisters, we do not want you to be uninformed about those who sleep in death, so that you do not grieve like the rest of mankind, who have no hope. 14 For we believe that Jesus died and rose again, and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him. 15 According to the Lord’s word, we tell you that we who are still alive, who are left until the coming of the Lord, will certainly not precede those who have fallen asleep. 16 For the Lord himself will come down from heaven, with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. 17 After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever. 18 Therefore encourage one another with these words." 1 Thessalonians 4:13-18

Dear Nana,

Dear Nana,

I wish you were still here. I have so many things I wanted to tell you. I think in this past year I have probably spent more time with you than anyone else. Yet, somehow, it still doesn't feel like it was long enough. When Denise called me on Saturday night to tell me the news, my world stopped. All I can do is keep myself busy so I don't have time to think. Because if I think about it, I might internally combust and crumble. My mind feels like it's been hazy since then and I don't think the clouds are going away anytime soon. Suddenly, those notes you would leave for me when I spent the night are prized treasure. Your little scribbled "I love you's" on yellow paper are gold to me. If I can find any pictures of us together, it will be better than winning the lottery.

I wanted to say thank you for everything you've taught me. For showing me how to tie my shoes. The difference between "cheap" and "inexpensive." Everyone should have bright clothes and different jewelry for every occasion. How to appreciate the stillness of the world and my surroundings when we would bird watch in your backyard. That the small moments are the most beautiful and the ones we remember. To never judge anyone, no matter how terrible they may be. Always to be honest with others even if we're afraid to tell the truth. To be sensitive and patient with others and their pain. Sharing your stories with me over and over again. I could listen to you for hours and be so intrigued by the people you've met, the places you've been, and the things you've done. That family runs deeper than blood and is marked by the people who choose to invest in your life. For always being there for me and supporting me in everything I've ever wanted to do. I'm mostly thankful for your unconditional love and understanding.

I know you don't want me or anyone else to be sad. It's just so hard because you are so loved and such an extraordinary woman. Going to your funeral will be one of the worst days of my life. It will make everything seem so final. Almost like a last goodbye. But that's why I wanted to write to you. Because even though you aren't physically here anymore, the footprints you've left all over my heart always will be. And because I don't think death is final, I hope to see you again someday. I hope a day will come when I can think of you and it won't hurt anymore. That I can simply smile and share a memory of you or one of your words of wisdom. You'll be in my thoughts everyday and my heart for eternity. I miss you and love you.

Until we can meet again,

Stephie