There's something I've been meaning to tell you. These words have been heavy on my heart for quite some time now. I haven't had the strength to tell you these things because they hit a sensitive part of me. Normally I don't like talking about touchy subjects, but I can't keep this from you anymore.
We've gone through so much together. After years of knowing one another, you would think we knew each other very well. You hardly know me and I hardly know you. I feel like you would never let me get to know you no matter how much I tried. You came in and out of my life. Usually you left when I really needed you. Just having your company would have helped me deal with things better because you were the only person who could ever say they truly understood what was going on in this dark time. Instead of staying, you left. Left me to deal with everything on my own. You chose your path and I chose mine. We became opposites in everything. You chose drugs, I chose sobriety. We both had a different way of dealing with things. In the end, we grew up to be strangers who share the same blood.
For YEARS, I was there for you. Through all of the rehabs and the jail time. I would visit you and hope for the best. Every time I would hope that THIS would be it. That it would be the last time you would ever end up in a cruddy place like that. You deserved so much better, but you couldn't see that. I still have every letter you've ever handwritten and sent to me. Reading those letters gave me hope. The person writing them was completely different than the person you were for the past few years. It's because you're different when you're using drugs and when you're sober. The difference between your drug-self and your sober-self is so vast that you mine as well have been two different people.
You gave me so much false hope that you would change your life. Then, you would just fall back into the same routine with the drugs and coming and going as you please. There was never any assurance that I would see you again. You were living a lifestyle where you could easily get yourself in a bad situation, and that would be the end of it or the end of you. I've been told that you would either end up in jail or dead if you kept living this kind of life. Saying goodbye to you always frightened me because I never knew when or if I would see you again. That's a painful thought. More than words can express, ever.
I remember trying to hate you. It would have made things easier if I could simply not care about you. That way your rejection wouldn't hurt as bad. It's like it would hurt less if I expected it. I also tried not to care about you in case one day I finally heard the news that I've been dreading. That you've finally met your match and weren't coming back. No matter how much I told myself that I didn't care about what happened to you, I knew that I was only lying to make myself feel better.
I'll be truthful and admit that I nearly gave up on you. I really did. After everything you've been through with all of the drugs and arrests. You've put me at my breaking point so many times. For some reason though, I couldn't find it within myself to completely give up on you. I've always had some hope that you would turn your life around.
Today I was reminded that there is always hope in a seemingly hopeless situation. It's been over a month since I've seen you or heard your voice. I hope you're doing well. I know that right now you're trying to change and turn your life around. I sincerely hope it is for real this time. I don't understand why you won't let your walls down. I would love to be a part of this transformation. If only you would let me. But you won't, and I'll accept that. I'll keep praying for you, because it's the only way I can help you. I just want you to know.....
I forgive you. I miss you. I LOVE YOU.
Love you will all my heart,
Steph Steph
<3
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