I am a little church.

"I am a little church (no great cathedral)
far from the splendor and squalor of hurrying cities-I do not worry if briefer days grow briefest,
I am not sorry when sun and rain make April
my life is the life of the reaper and the sower;
my prayers are prayers of earth's own clumsily striving
(finding and losing and laughing and crying) children
whose any sadness or joy is my grief or my gladness

around me surges a miracle of unceasing
birth and glory and death and resurrection:
over my sleeping self float flaming symbols
of hope, and I wake to a perfect patience of mountains

I am a little church (far from the frantic
world with its rapture and anguish) at peace with nature-

I do not worry if longer nights grow longest;
I am not sorry when silence becomes singing

winter by spring, I lift my diminutive spire to
merciful Him Whose only now is forever:
standing erect in the deathless truth of His presence
(welcoming humbly His light and proudly His darkness)"

-E. E. Cummings

This is a poem from one of my favorite poets. I absolutely love this poem because of the meaning you can get out of it. He is content in whatever situation he's in. Cummings knows that life is about the good AND the bad. He welcomed "humbly His light and proudly His darkness." God is present wherever we are and wherever we go in whatever we are doing. Life isn't just about the laughter. To him, it was about the joy and the pain, the tears and the laughter. He enjoyed the simple things in life. He would rather be a little church than a grand cathedral. The things of this life are not worth worrying over.  He prefers a quiet life than the hurried life most of us have in the city.

I thought about that and he has a point. I'm always busy doing something. When you live life at a fast pace, you do not always appreciate the simple little things. Laying down at night after a busy day I'll realize, with my head on my pillow, that I forgot to pray or read my Bible. Cummings knew that "Him Whose only now is forever." You're not guaranteed tomorrow. So you need to live and breathe and appreciate and love TODAY.

An Unaddressed Letter.

Dear Anonymous,

There's something I've been meaning to tell you. These words have been heavy on my heart for quite some time now. I haven't had the strength to tell you these things because they hit a sensitive part of me. Normally I don't like talking about touchy subjects, but I can't keep this from you anymore.

We've gone through so much together. After years of knowing one another, you would think we knew each other very well. You hardly know me and I hardly know you. I feel like you would never let me get to know you no matter how much I tried. You came in and out of my life. Usually you left when I really needed you. Just having your company would have helped me deal with things better because you were the only person who could ever say they truly understood what was going on in this dark time. Instead of staying, you left. Left me to deal with everything on my own. You chose your path and I chose mine. We became opposites in everything. You chose drugs, I chose sobriety. We both had a different way of dealing with things. In the end, we grew up to be strangers who share the same blood.

For YEARS, I was there for you. Through all of the rehabs and the jail time. I would visit you and hope for the best. Every time I would hope that THIS would be it. That it would be the last time you would ever end up in a cruddy place like that. You deserved so much better, but you couldn't see that. I still have every letter you've ever handwritten and sent to me. Reading those letters gave me hope. The person writing them was completely different than the person you were for the past few years. It's because you're different when you're using drugs and when you're sober. The difference between your drug-self and your sober-self is so vast that you mine as well have been two different people.

You gave me so much false hope that you would change your life. Then, you would just fall back into the same routine with the drugs and coming and going as you please. There was never any assurance that I would see you again. You were living a lifestyle where you could easily get yourself in a bad situation, and that would be the end of it or the end of you. I've been told that you would either end up in jail or dead if you kept living this kind of life. Saying goodbye to you always frightened me because I never knew when or if I would see you again. That's a painful thought. More than words can express, ever.

I remember trying to hate you. It would have made things easier if I could simply not care about you. That way your rejection wouldn't hurt as bad. It's like it would hurt less if I expected it. I also tried not to care about you in case one day I finally heard the news that I've been dreading. That you've finally met your match and weren't coming back. No matter how much I told myself that I didn't care about what happened to you, I knew that I was only lying to make myself feel better.

I'll be truthful and admit that I nearly gave up on you. I really did. After everything you've been through with all of the drugs and arrests. You've put me at my breaking point so many times. For some reason though, I couldn't find it within myself to completely give up on you. I've always had some hope that you would turn your life around.

Today I was reminded that there is always hope in a seemingly hopeless situation. It's been over a month since I've seen you or heard your voice. I hope you're doing well. I know that right now you're trying to change and turn your life around. I sincerely hope it is for real this time. I don't understand why you won't let your walls down. I would love to be a part of this transformation. If only you would let me. But you won't, and I'll accept that. I'll keep praying for you, because it's the only way I can help you. I just want you to know.....
I forgive you. I miss you. I LOVE YOU.

Love you will all my heart,

Steph Steph

Cuh-plunk!

     When I woke up this morning, I had already decided to skip my first class and study for a math test I had afterwards. As I'm pulling out of the driveway to leave for school, I have a sudden gut-feeling that I should take the Expedition instead. It's my mom's car that I'm allowed to borrow if I'm having car trouble. I ignored that feeling, and told myself it was nonsense. I thought it was ridiculous. Everything would be alright because my car was running just fine.
     I'm at the turning lane of an intersection about a mile away from school, and then CUH-PLUNK. The "check engine" light comes on. No way! This has happened once before. All I have to do is put the car in park, turn it off, and then restart it. No big deal. Except it doesn't restart this time 0.o
     So now my car broke down at an intersection. The stoplight turns green and the cars behind me start honking. Naturally, this would make me more anxious in an already worriesome situation. Not to mention that it's raining outside on top of all this. The light turns green again and the people are tired of honking at me. They become innovative and decide to go around me. The same thing happens again with another line of cars. Not one person stopped to ask what was wrong with my car or tried to help me in any way. I put my hands and my forehead on the steering wheel, closed my eyes, and asked God to help me.
     As I was pulling my Triple A card out of my wallet, I see a man walking through the traffic. I assume he either has a death wish or must have had Nutty Bars for breakfast. He knocks on my window and tells me to get out of the car and put it in neutral. I was dumbfounded and thankful that someone was finally helping me, but I couldn't really understand what he was saying. So he did it for me. Then he tells me that we're going to get the car out of the intersection. I had to get on the passenger side of the car and help him push it. Incoming traffic had to stop as we pushed the car through the intersection and into the Advanced Auto Parts parking lot.
     Once we got into the parking lot, the man told me that everything will be fine and I just need to relax. It's not the first time I've broken down in the rain, but it was the first time I've broken down at an intersection. So I was pretty stressed out. I kept saying thank you to the man. He said "You don't need to thank me. Thank Dios because this was all Him." This was an eye-opener. Here was a Christian helping me when no one else would because it was an inconvenience to their busy schedules.
     We went inside of Advanced Auto Parts. Either the guy worked there or he had connections because I heard good news. They were going to check out my car for free. They jumpstarted it and the engine started up once. It didn't stay running so I had to call Triple A and have it towed to the mechanic. My dad and I ended up going to Downtowm Pizza and to see Courageous. We laughed ourselves to tears on the way home from remembering old stories. I'm going to talk to my professor tomorrow and explain today's dilemma. I'm sure I can make up the test.
     Moral of the story? I'm not really sure. Take what you want from it. Maybe someone reading this needs to learn to trust God in stressful circumstances and know that everything will be fine as long as you seek Him for help. Someone else reading this may realize that they need to take a moment to help someone in need, even if it's an inconvenience.
     What I get out of it is something a little different. There are still Christians who not only talk the talk, but they walk the walk. They don't only profess to be Christians, but they also live it out. They put their words into action. Many people ignored me this morning when I needed help. I wonder how many of them were Christian. But there was one man who saw me in distress and he did the right thing. How many of us walk by those in need? Thank you, Charles, for being my angel in disguise.

Skillet - Looking For Angels

"But if anyone has the world's goods and sees his brother in need, yet closes his heart against him, how does God's love abide in him?"
1 John 3:17

Bad things happen to good people.

There's one question that every person, regardless of race or religion, has asked at some point in their life. Why do bad things happen to good people?

I've been asked this so many times by people who aren't Christian. I've even asked it before. This isn't a simple question, so there isn't a simple answer.

Let's start off with something in psychology called the just-world phenomenon. This is the tendency of people to believe that the world is just and that people therefore get what they deserve and deserve what they get. It's pretty much "karma." Keep in mind though that this is NOT a Christian concept. God can be the only judge of what is just or unjust.

So how can you determine if something bad has happened to a good person? You can't. We might think that something is bad for us, when really it may have been the best thing that's ever happened to us. As humans, we only see the past and the present. We cannot see the future. Only God can see the future. Just think back to your past when you were stuggling with something that you were able to overcome. AFTER you went through it, I bet you made some sense of it. You probably found some purpose as to why you went through it. Yet you couldn't see the reason during your struggle. It was only afterwards that you were able to see a purpose or a reason. We never know what good things may come out of a bad situation. For example, a very close friend of mine got into a car accident over a year ago. She was the only one wearing a seat belt, and she's the only one who didn't live. She is a good, loving, young woman. Yet why would something like this happen to a person like her? There's no logical answer or anything that can help make sense of the situation. BUT, her family donated her organs and that saved the lives of a few other people.

Look at it this way: You learn to appreciate the good times after you overcome the bad times. You cannot appreciate light without dwelling in darkness. Some of your best and happiest moments in life are going to come after some of your worst and lowest moments. You cannot grow as a person without going through some type of hardship.

^" Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance;  perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us."
-Romans 5:3-5

Usually when Christians are going through a trial, one of two things will happen. Either the person loses their faith, or their faith becomes stronger. I hope it's the latter. I look at it as a way of drawing closer to God. Your faith in God cannot grow without being tested. Some things are not possible to get through without relying on God. Even if you are a good person who has had something bad happen to them, rely on God to get you through it.

"If you do not stand firm in your faith, you will not stand at all." Isaiah 7:9

It's never too late to get your faith back. Even if you've had doubts about how there can be a just & loving God in such a screwed up world. I implore you to look past all of the evil and bad things and to look at the good things. For just a moment, look away from the suffering and focus on the blessings. Pray to have your faith back, or to try and find it again. You have to start somewhere. But start with knowing that despite all of the chaos, dischord, and turmoil in your life, God has been and will always be there for you in times of sorrow and times of joy. All you have to do is look for Him.

^"The righteous person may have many troubles,
   but the LORD delivers him from them all;
He protects all his bones,
   not one of them will be broken. "

Laura Story - Blessings

Lift your face.

²¹ “Come to terms with God and be at peace;
in this way good will come to you.
²² Recieve instruction from His mouth,
   and place His sayings in your heart.
²³ If you return to the Almighty, you will be renewed.
  If you banish injustice from your tent
²⁴ and consign your gold to the dust,
   the gold of Ophir to the stones in the ravines,
²⁵ the Almighty will be your gold,
   and your finest silver.
²⁶ Then you will delight in the Almighty
and lift up your face to God.
²⁷ You will pray to him, and he will hear you,
and you will fulfill your vows.
²⁸ When you make a decision, it will be carried out,
and light will shine on your ways.
²⁹ When others are humiliated and you say, ‘Lift them up!’
   God will save the humble.
³⁰ He will even rescue the guilty one,
who will be rescued by the purity of your hands.”

Job 22:21-30

Tic Toc.

I don't know about you, but I'm always looking at the time. Even when I don't have to be somewhere or do anything for a certain amount of time. There's always something to do or somewhere to be. Someone to talk to or something to read. Life is so hectic and busy. ALL THE TIME. It's like we're just go go going, and never take time to simply stop and breathe. If you barely have time to stop and take a breather, how about that daily prayer time?

Since school started I've been slacking in my relationship with God. Majorly slacking. Don't get me wrong. I still go to a Christian school, church a few times a week, and do my own bible studies. I pray too before I go to sleep at night. But I don't really spend as much time with God as I should.

I feel like I'm crumbling underneath all of this stress. During the week it's school and homework. I still have friends and family that I spend time with. On weekends I go to church and work. So I don't have a lot of time for homework and begin to fall behind a little. The entire day will go by and I'll realize that I didn't spend much of it with God.

It really hit me tonight when I was at college group. I really felt the stress and just a bunch of negative feelings. After thinking about it, I knew why I felt like this. It's because I haven't been talking to anyone about anything. Not just that. But that I haven't been talking to God about anything. About what makes me happy or sad or frustrated or peaceful.

I talked to Him when I got home tonight. All the weight on my shoulders was gone. Simply because I opened up and poured out my heart in prayer, in a conversation with Him.

What's it worth?

On average, how many times a day do you look in the mirror? You do it when you wake up in the morning, before you leave for school or work, before you hang out with friends, while you're out and about, as you're stopped at a red light, every single time you visit the bathroom (this alone is several times a day for women), when you return home, and before you go to sleep. This doesn't even mention the little glimpses you catch of yourself as you're walking by mirrors or see your reflection elsewhere. Why is it so important to look at yourself in the mirror several times a day?

Because appearance matters. You want to make sure you're dressed appropriately and in style. You have to make sure you didn't forget to zip up your pants, button your shirt, or brush your hair. Face it: You care about what other people think of you. Acceptance is a must, and you want others to like you. In order to be accepted you buy certain clothes, live in specific places, pay lots of money for a fancy car, work in "higher class" jobs, and seek attractive friends. All of this is to keep up with your image and how others view you.

How do YOU view yourself? Truthfully, underneath it all. Every single person has been jealous of someone else for some odd reason. Usually it's because someone else has something that we want. Girls get jealous of other girls easily. For being skinnier than they are. For their best friend's really cute, nice boyfriend. For having a good sense of fashion. For passing that math test the rest of the students failed. I can't speak from experience, but I know most guys are envious of that really nice Mustang parked right next to them.

Why are we envious? Because we aren't comfortable with who we are or what we already have. We want all of these THINGS that society says we need in order to be happy. Without them we feel empty or self-conscious. We let others define us and what we're worth by what we own and how we look. We end up feeling worthless or like we don't make the cut. Ultimately, we feel like we're not good enough.

You can't define my worth. No single person can tell me I'm not good enough. No teacher can tell me I'm not smart enough. No beauty magazine or make-up advertisement can tell me that I'm not pretty enough. I don't measure my self-worth by the standards of this world. If I did, then I would be worthless.

My self-worth is measured in the eyes of God. Though I have my faults and flaws, I am perfect to Him. He loves me regardless and I am worth more than anything else this world has to offer. Gold and diamonds are ashes compared to my love for Him. He offers forgiveness and true inner peace. When I am weak and feel I can't make it on my own, He is my strength and keeps me from crumbling. My self-worth is defined by this: I am complete in Him.

I am no different than you. How do you measure your self-worth?

Lecrae - Identity

"I will praise You,

because I have been remarkably and wonderfully made.

Your works are wonderful,

and I know this very well."

Psalms 139:14