My heart breaks for you.

I think of you and how lost you are, and my heart breaks. You feel like these burdens are unbearable and that you just can't deal with anything anymore. You don't know what to do and like feel like no one understands what you're going through. You have no where to turn. You think you're a burden to those people around you and the people you talk to. That no one loves you and won't miss you if you're gone. You truly think that everyone else's life would be better if you didn't exist anymore.

I'm here to tell you that YOU ARE WRONG. These burdens aren't unbearable. There is a way to get through the pain. There is somewhere for you to turn. You're not a burden to the people around you and the people you talk to. You are SO loved, and you will be SO missed if anything were to happen to you. Everyone's life would be worse without your existence.

Here's why. That lost feeling is explainable. You don't know where to turn to, but there is a place to turn to. There is someone who loves you unconditionally. Regardless of the things you've done, the helplessness you feel, the things you've thought or said, all of your flaws, and short comings. When you feel worthless, they are here to show you that you're worth more than diamonds or pearls or gold. Please, don't give up just yet. There is another way out. A better way. All you have to do is be willing. Be willing to give this a shot. What do you have to lose? This is something you can put your hope in. I promise you that if you come with an open mind and an open heart you will see it.We've talked about this before. I know you have so much potential. You're almost there. 

What's this love I'm talking about? Where can you turn no matter what the circumstance is? God. That's the answer. Nothing can compare to the peace you feel when you ask Him to wrap His arms around you. When He does, you feel an overwhelming peace even though you swear a hurricane was just going on inside of you. Just ask for it. Ask for the peace. Ask for Him to show you His love. Ask Him to show Himself to you if He is really real. Don't be afraid to ask Him about what you're going through. Vent to Him like He's a person. Cry. Scream. Get it out. Just be willing to get answers to the questions that you ask. Ask for hope. Ask to see a way out of this. To see that you can get through this as long as you have Him to lean on and help you through it. You don't have to go through this alone, and I hope you can see this. I hope and pray for you that you can feel His love for you, even when you feel like you don't deserve it or think no one else loves you. Because, well, you are loved. And this kind of love is incomprehensible. You cannot fathom how much you're loved. Things are so difficult right now, but you don't need to do this alone. He is there, waiting for you to call on Him. You've asked questions. I know it's in your heart. 

I've hit rock bottom before. I've been there. You're not alone in your feelings of hopelessness. The only way I got through it was by my faith in God. Literally, there was NO ONE else to turn to but Him. He has never left me since I have asked Him to come into my heart. Before I asked God into my heart, I didn't understand what it meant to feel loved. Every single day felt like hell. It was just a big rut that I couldn't get out of. No matter what I did to try and self-medicate. Those dark feelings always lingered even when I thought I was happy. You're there, right now, living that at this very moment. You're at that time in your life where every single day is your own personal living hell. But it doesn't have to be like this. You can have joy and hope even when everything around you seems to be falling apart. You don't have to dwell in your despair. There is a way out! Even in your brokenness, you can be made whole through Him. All you have to do is ask for it. 

The man on the island.

Once upon a time, I went to chapel. The guest speaker had shared a little anecdote and asked a question. "There is a man on an island in the middle of the Atlantic. He has never heard of God or Jesus, let alone the gospel. Let's say he were to die of natural causes. Would he wake up in heaven?" Half of the people in the room answered "yes" and the other half answered "no". How could there be such a split answer if every Christian reads the same Bible, believes in the same God, and accepts the same gospel? The speaker continued on with the anecdote. "Now here is a different scenario. The man is on the island. Billy Graham sails to the island, gets on land, and shares the gospel with the man. The obstinate man says 'No thank you. I don't want to follow this Jesus guy.' Billy Graham had did what he could, but the man just refused to believe him with every fiber of his being. So Billy sailed away. The man died of natural causes. Now would he wake up in heaven?" Everyone answered "no" in unison.

The guest speaker continued on with his sermon. He went on to answer the first question. Would the man on the island wake up in heaven? The guest speaker answered "no" and backed it up with Scripture. He made the following points about the man on the island:

1. The man must know that God exists because He reveals Himself through creation.         (Romans 1:19, Psalm 14:1, Psalms 19:1)
2. We know that he is a sinner because "all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God."  (Romans 1:21, Isaiah 53:6, Romans 3:23)
3. He is accountable for his sin. (Romans 6:23, 2 Thessalonians 1:7-10, Isaiah 53:6)
4. He can be saved from his sins and given eternal life with Jesus.                                                     (John 14:1-6, Romans 10:13, Romans 3:20-24, Acts 4:12, 1 Timothy 2:5, John 3:16)
5. This causes us to be urgent with the gospel. (Romans 10:14-15, Acts 21:13, Philippians 1:21)

I am not necessarily disagreeing with the speaker's points. BUT, I whole-heartily disagree with how he answered the first question. I believe that he misused these points and took the verses (which I have listed) out of context. He used them to falsely say that the man on the island, in the first scenario, would not have a chance at waking up in heaven. This is where I believe he needs to rethink his answer because he sounds like a dumb dumb. Consider this: We do not choose the circumstances we are born into and God is just.

Every person is born into this world and every person must face death. This is a true fact of life. No one chooses where they are born, who their parents are, whether they are born into wealth or poverty, or the culture that surrounds their existence. The man on the island was meant to represent the unreached people groups of the world. The unreached people groups are the people who have never heard the gospel before. There are 6,505 of these groups in the world. It's one thing to be accountable for hearing it and rejecting it, as was the case with the second scenario in the anecdote. You were given a choice, and you decided your own fate. But for the person who never even had the chance to hear it. Never had the chance to accept it or reject it. THAT was not their decision. They did not choose to be born on that island any more than I chose to be born here in America. They did not choose to live a life of ignorance not knowing what their heart was missing any more than I chose to hear the gospel that I accepted because I knew what my heart had been longing for. This man on the island, these unreached people, cannot be condemned to eternal damnation solely because they were born into the most unfortunate circumstances of not being able to choose their own fate or where they would want to spend eternity.

This speaker had some major audacity to try and speak for God when he said that the man on the island would not wake up in heaven. God is just. He does not judge by human standards. I don't believe that God would eternally damn these people for their ignorance any more than he would eternally damn an innocent baby. Although Jesus is in fact the only way to heaven, the man on the island must be held accountable in a different way.  After all, anyone who reads the Bible should know about God's temperament. They should know that God is merciful. He loves us, ALL of His creation. Not just the people who were blessed to hear and accept the gospel. He loves those lost unreached people just as much as He loves us. I am not denouncing the importance of missions. These people should be given a choice, and that is where the vitality of missions comes in.

You, too, will try and answer whether or not the man on the island will wake up in heaven. Just remember this: he did not choose the be born into ignorance, and God is just.  

Ruth.

Before I went to sleep last night, I read the entire book of Ruth in the Bible. It's one of those smaller books in the Old Testament and is often skipped over or forgotten. As I was reading it, I knew I had read it about two years ago. This time it held some more significance though. The verses that stuck out to me most were Ruth 1:16-17. That's all I highlighted. This morning I went to Church. We sang Blessed Be Your Name. Then our Pastor opened up the alter to let people come up and pray about anything that was on their heart. I stayed in my seat because I didn't feel like I should go up. I don't have anything on my heart this morning that I'm ready to give up yet. So, after this our Pastor usually shares what we're reading from out of the Bible. He told everyone to turn to the book of Ruth. Then he read verses 1:16-17. Go figure. Pure coincidence? I think not!

But Ruth replied:
"Do not persuade me to leave you
or go back and not follow you.
For wherever you live, I will live;
your people will be my people,
and your God will be my God.
Where you die, I will die,
and there, I will be buried.
May the Lord do this to me,
and even more,
if anything but death separates you and me."

Ruth 1:16-17 

Here's a little background information about Ruth. Her mother-in-law is Naomi. Naomi's husband and sons die. During this time, there is a famine in the land. Naomi and Ruth are both widows. They decide to go back to the land of Judah where there is food. Ruth decides to stay with Naomi and take care of her mother-in-law. In the land of Judah, Ruth was considered a foreigner. She worked for a relative of Naomi's late husband. Ruth married him and was no longer a widow. Although she lived in destitution, she was redeemed because she made the sacrifice and followed Naomi and was faithful to God.

Naomi was so lost that she renamed herself Mara, which means "bitter". Her and Ruth had no family, no land, and no possessions. It would have been easy to stay mad about their circumstances and remain bitter.  She wasn't promised anything but followed her mother-in-law anyways and did the right thing. She didn't give up. Ruth put her hope in the Lord when she couldn't do it on her own. Everyone always has some sort of burden. No ones life is completely 100% stress free. It's too hard to try and deal with everything on your own. From personal experience, trying to do things on your own can lead to overwhelming stress that will make you sick. Look at Ruth's example. See how she didn't give up or be to independent, but relied on God.

One of the most popular things a Christian says to a fellow Christian during times of distress is "God won't give you more than you can handle." Honestly, I disagree with this. God NEVER said He wouldn't give you more than you can handle. When it rains, it pours. One bad thing happens after another and you get this rain-and-pour syndrome. What do YOU do when you have this syndrome? Do you fall to your knees and cry out to God? God will give you more than you can handle, but He will always provide a way of escape. When you're going through times of distress, He is there at the ready. He is waiting for you to cry out to Him in your time of need. He is always there watching over you. Even if you don't hear Him or see Him right away, that doesn't mean He will never come to your aid or that He isn't there. Because He is there. Waiting for you. I believe He gives you more than you can handle because when you can't deal with everything anymore, you look for a way of escape. Usually, that is when most people rely on God. Maybe He gives you more than you can handle so you realize that you don't need to do everything on your own. So when you're at the point where you think you can't take anymore, call on Him. What do you have to lose?

Tree 63 - Blessed Be Your Name

"They don't deserve it."

Today I was at chapel hoping to get something out of the speaker. I did. Way more than I thought. He shared the story of Joseph and how he was sold into slavery by his jealous brothers. Long story short, Joseph had much power and authority over his brothers. He could have punished them or had them killed. Instead, he chose to forgive them. At the end of the service, the speaker asked everyone in the room to close their eyes. He said there were probably people in the room who needed to forgive other people. That there were people in the room who HATED another human being, and could not find it in their heart to forgive them. He asked those people to open their eyes and make eye contact with him. My eyes opened and I was the first person he acknowledged. He prayed for everyone, including me, who had met his eyes.

 Someone does the same thing over and over again. You forgive them even for the times they don't apologize or admit that they were wrong. They keep doing the very same thing that you forgave them for. You feel like it becomes redundant. It's too repetitive. It's like they use your forgiveness as a Get Out of Jail Free card for every time they mess up. They figure they can keep doing it because you'll forgive them anyways. In return, you stop forgiving them. After all, why forgive when it doesn't matter to them? You feel like they're not deserving of your forgiveness.

So, why forgive someone when they don't deserve it? Not forgiving other people is going to turn you into a bitter person. Anger and bitterness can turn a soft and warm heart into a callous heart of stone. It's so easy for someone without that bitterness to say "forgive others because God forgives you." It's a wonderful saying and I agree with it. How can you expect to be forgiven if you refuse to forgive others? You can't. It's not always that easy to forgive others though. It isn't as easy or simple as saying "I forgive you". You might want to forgive them. You repeat the phrase over and over again. Maybe if you repeat those words enough times then you'll delude yourself into thinking you truly forgave them. You might even think you did. But deep down you haven't let go. You still have that anger about what they did. If you still have that anger, then you didn't forgive them completely. On your own, you don't know HOW to forgive them.

Let me introduce a sweet little blessing called grace. Grace is "a free or unmerited gift or privilege bestowed by God, whose favour, or revealing of himself, cannot be earned or attained by human efforts." Did you notice the words in bold. Let me say that again: cannot be earned or attained by human efforts. True forgiveness can only come from God. It takes effort and faith and hope, even when you feel like you have none. You can't let go of all that pent up anger and bitterness on your own. It can be so hard to forgive someone. But keep in mind that it's not impossible.

I'll be open and admit I'm having a very difficult time forgiving someone. I have all of this pent up anger and bitterness towards them. I feel like forgiving them lets them off easy. Truthfully, not forgiving them has harmed me more than them.  I've tried forgiving them but I can't find it within myself to let go. That's because I've tried forgiving them on my own. There's too much anger for me to find forgiveness alone. I need God's grace to truly forgive them. There's no way around it. Oh the journey begins.

"³ So watch yourselves.

   “If your brother or sister sins against you, rebuke them; and if they repent, forgive them. ⁴ Even if they sin against you seven times in a day and seven times come back to you saying ‘I repent,’ you must forgive them.” -Luke 17:3-4

I am a little church.

"I am a little church (no great cathedral)
far from the splendor and squalor of hurrying cities-I do not worry if briefer days grow briefest,
I am not sorry when sun and rain make April
my life is the life of the reaper and the sower;
my prayers are prayers of earth's own clumsily striving
(finding and losing and laughing and crying) children
whose any sadness or joy is my grief or my gladness

around me surges a miracle of unceasing
birth and glory and death and resurrection:
over my sleeping self float flaming symbols
of hope, and I wake to a perfect patience of mountains

I am a little church (far from the frantic
world with its rapture and anguish) at peace with nature-

I do not worry if longer nights grow longest;
I am not sorry when silence becomes singing

winter by spring, I lift my diminutive spire to
merciful Him Whose only now is forever:
standing erect in the deathless truth of His presence
(welcoming humbly His light and proudly His darkness)"

-E. E. Cummings

This is a poem from one of my favorite poets. I absolutely love this poem because of the meaning you can get out of it. He is content in whatever situation he's in. Cummings knows that life is about the good AND the bad. He welcomed "humbly His light and proudly His darkness." God is present wherever we are and wherever we go in whatever we are doing. Life isn't just about the laughter. To him, it was about the joy and the pain, the tears and the laughter. He enjoyed the simple things in life. He would rather be a little church than a grand cathedral. The things of this life are not worth worrying over.  He prefers a quiet life than the hurried life most of us have in the city.

I thought about that and he has a point. I'm always busy doing something. When you live life at a fast pace, you do not always appreciate the simple little things. Laying down at night after a busy day I'll realize, with my head on my pillow, that I forgot to pray or read my Bible. Cummings knew that "Him Whose only now is forever." You're not guaranteed tomorrow. So you need to live and breathe and appreciate and love TODAY.

An Unaddressed Letter.

Dear Anonymous,

There's something I've been meaning to tell you. These words have been heavy on my heart for quite some time now. I haven't had the strength to tell you these things because they hit a sensitive part of me. Normally I don't like talking about touchy subjects, but I can't keep this from you anymore.

We've gone through so much together. After years of knowing one another, you would think we knew each other very well. You hardly know me and I hardly know you. I feel like you would never let me get to know you no matter how much I tried. You came in and out of my life. Usually you left when I really needed you. Just having your company would have helped me deal with things better because you were the only person who could ever say they truly understood what was going on in this dark time. Instead of staying, you left. Left me to deal with everything on my own. You chose your path and I chose mine. We became opposites in everything. You chose drugs, I chose sobriety. We both had a different way of dealing with things. In the end, we grew up to be strangers who share the same blood.

For YEARS, I was there for you. Through all of the rehabs and the jail time. I would visit you and hope for the best. Every time I would hope that THIS would be it. That it would be the last time you would ever end up in a cruddy place like that. You deserved so much better, but you couldn't see that. I still have every letter you've ever handwritten and sent to me. Reading those letters gave me hope. The person writing them was completely different than the person you were for the past few years. It's because you're different when you're using drugs and when you're sober. The difference between your drug-self and your sober-self is so vast that you mine as well have been two different people.

You gave me so much false hope that you would change your life. Then, you would just fall back into the same routine with the drugs and coming and going as you please. There was never any assurance that I would see you again. You were living a lifestyle where you could easily get yourself in a bad situation, and that would be the end of it or the end of you. I've been told that you would either end up in jail or dead if you kept living this kind of life. Saying goodbye to you always frightened me because I never knew when or if I would see you again. That's a painful thought. More than words can express, ever.

I remember trying to hate you. It would have made things easier if I could simply not care about you. That way your rejection wouldn't hurt as bad. It's like it would hurt less if I expected it. I also tried not to care about you in case one day I finally heard the news that I've been dreading. That you've finally met your match and weren't coming back. No matter how much I told myself that I didn't care about what happened to you, I knew that I was only lying to make myself feel better.

I'll be truthful and admit that I nearly gave up on you. I really did. After everything you've been through with all of the drugs and arrests. You've put me at my breaking point so many times. For some reason though, I couldn't find it within myself to completely give up on you. I've always had some hope that you would turn your life around.

Today I was reminded that there is always hope in a seemingly hopeless situation. It's been over a month since I've seen you or heard your voice. I hope you're doing well. I know that right now you're trying to change and turn your life around. I sincerely hope it is for real this time. I don't understand why you won't let your walls down. I would love to be a part of this transformation. If only you would let me. But you won't, and I'll accept that. I'll keep praying for you, because it's the only way I can help you. I just want you to know.....
I forgive you. I miss you. I LOVE YOU.

Love you will all my heart,

Steph Steph

Cuh-plunk!

     When I woke up this morning, I had already decided to skip my first class and study for a math test I had afterwards. As I'm pulling out of the driveway to leave for school, I have a sudden gut-feeling that I should take the Expedition instead. It's my mom's car that I'm allowed to borrow if I'm having car trouble. I ignored that feeling, and told myself it was nonsense. I thought it was ridiculous. Everything would be alright because my car was running just fine.
     I'm at the turning lane of an intersection about a mile away from school, and then CUH-PLUNK. The "check engine" light comes on. No way! This has happened once before. All I have to do is put the car in park, turn it off, and then restart it. No big deal. Except it doesn't restart this time 0.o
     So now my car broke down at an intersection. The stoplight turns green and the cars behind me start honking. Naturally, this would make me more anxious in an already worriesome situation. Not to mention that it's raining outside on top of all this. The light turns green again and the people are tired of honking at me. They become innovative and decide to go around me. The same thing happens again with another line of cars. Not one person stopped to ask what was wrong with my car or tried to help me in any way. I put my hands and my forehead on the steering wheel, closed my eyes, and asked God to help me.
     As I was pulling my Triple A card out of my wallet, I see a man walking through the traffic. I assume he either has a death wish or must have had Nutty Bars for breakfast. He knocks on my window and tells me to get out of the car and put it in neutral. I was dumbfounded and thankful that someone was finally helping me, but I couldn't really understand what he was saying. So he did it for me. Then he tells me that we're going to get the car out of the intersection. I had to get on the passenger side of the car and help him push it. Incoming traffic had to stop as we pushed the car through the intersection and into the Advanced Auto Parts parking lot.
     Once we got into the parking lot, the man told me that everything will be fine and I just need to relax. It's not the first time I've broken down in the rain, but it was the first time I've broken down at an intersection. So I was pretty stressed out. I kept saying thank you to the man. He said "You don't need to thank me. Thank Dios because this was all Him." This was an eye-opener. Here was a Christian helping me when no one else would because it was an inconvenience to their busy schedules.
     We went inside of Advanced Auto Parts. Either the guy worked there or he had connections because I heard good news. They were going to check out my car for free. They jumpstarted it and the engine started up once. It didn't stay running so I had to call Triple A and have it towed to the mechanic. My dad and I ended up going to Downtowm Pizza and to see Courageous. We laughed ourselves to tears on the way home from remembering old stories. I'm going to talk to my professor tomorrow and explain today's dilemma. I'm sure I can make up the test.
     Moral of the story? I'm not really sure. Take what you want from it. Maybe someone reading this needs to learn to trust God in stressful circumstances and know that everything will be fine as long as you seek Him for help. Someone else reading this may realize that they need to take a moment to help someone in need, even if it's an inconvenience.
     What I get out of it is something a little different. There are still Christians who not only talk the talk, but they walk the walk. They don't only profess to be Christians, but they also live it out. They put their words into action. Many people ignored me this morning when I needed help. I wonder how many of them were Christian. But there was one man who saw me in distress and he did the right thing. How many of us walk by those in need? Thank you, Charles, for being my angel in disguise.

Skillet - Looking For Angels

"But if anyone has the world's goods and sees his brother in need, yet closes his heart against him, how does God's love abide in him?"
1 John 3:17