Dear Nana,

Dear Nana,

I wish you were still here. I have so many things I wanted to tell you. I think in this past year I have probably spent more time with you than anyone else. Yet, somehow, it still doesn't feel like it was long enough. When Denise called me on Saturday night to tell me the news, my world stopped. All I can do is keep myself busy so I don't have time to think. Because if I think about it, I might internally combust and crumble. My mind feels like it's been hazy since then and I don't think the clouds are going away anytime soon. Suddenly, those notes you would leave for me when I spent the night are prized treasure. Your little scribbled "I love you's" on yellow paper are gold to me. If I can find any pictures of us together, it will be better than winning the lottery.

I wanted to say thank you for everything you've taught me. For showing me how to tie my shoes. The difference between "cheap" and "inexpensive." Everyone should have bright clothes and different jewelry for every occasion. How to appreciate the stillness of the world and my surroundings when we would bird watch in your backyard. That the small moments are the most beautiful and the ones we remember. To never judge anyone, no matter how terrible they may be. Always to be honest with others even if we're afraid to tell the truth. To be sensitive and patient with others and their pain. Sharing your stories with me over and over again. I could listen to you for hours and be so intrigued by the people you've met, the places you've been, and the things you've done. That family runs deeper than blood and is marked by the people who choose to invest in your life. For always being there for me and supporting me in everything I've ever wanted to do. I'm mostly thankful for your unconditional love and understanding.

I know you don't want me or anyone else to be sad. It's just so hard because you are so loved and such an extraordinary woman. Going to your funeral will be one of the worst days of my life. It will make everything seem so final. Almost like a last goodbye. But that's why I wanted to write to you. Because even though you aren't physically here anymore, the footprints you've left all over my heart always will be. And because I don't think death is final, I hope to see you again someday. I hope a day will come when I can think of you and it won't hurt anymore. That I can simply smile and share a memory of you or one of your words of wisdom. You'll be in my thoughts everyday and my heart for eternity. I miss you and love you.

Until we can meet again,

Stephie

=

I would really like to say something to both points of view about marriage equality. I realize this is a very touchy subject that may spark debate. I am please asking that any comments are not negative, malicious, or rude.

To Christians: This has most likely ruffled your feathers or made you uncomfortable. In an attempt to stick up for your beliefs, you have trampled over other people. Many Christian's are reacting in a non-Christ-like manner. If you are commenting on people's "=" pictures or their pages with Bible quotes: just stop it. You are quoting Bible verses to someone that feels like it has no authority over their lives. Especially if you are just googling bible verses on homosexuality and picking the first one you find in Deuteronomy or Leviticus. Also, quit saying things like "abomination to God." You are in no position to say those kinds of hateful phrases to anyone. Yes, talk to others about your convictions but do not condemn someone or be judgmental in the process.

What really aggravates me is that this is the only topic Christians feel the need to address. What about sex before marriage? or divorce? or tithing? or not being drunk? or helping the poor, widow, and orphan? You like to say "all sins are equal in the eyes of God. Homosexuality is just as bad as having sex before marriage, or being unfaithful, or etc." You may be able to acknowledge this with your mind but you do not believe that in your heart. If you did, then you would not focus all of your attention on this topic and ignore all of the other things the Bible talks about. It's so easy to pick and choose which beliefs you want to stick up for. You find satisfaction in telling someone they're wrong for loving someone of the same-sex while you ignore the fact that you get drunk every weekend or have pre-marital sex all the time or are prideful. American-Christians have made being gay such a cultural taboo that they think it's okay to openly condemn homosexuality and make it seem worse than other things that people struggle with. Is that something Jesus would do? NO. After all, he did hang out with prostitutes and tax collectors and lepers. He rebuked the self-righteous Pharisees that oppressed the poor, widow, and orphan more than he rebuked the prostitute or other people society looks down on. Take a look in your overly-pious mirror and recognize there is a plank in your eye before you yell about the speck in someone else's eye.

In all truthfulness, it should not be such a crisis if the DOMA law changes. Biblical marriage is defined as a union between one man and one woman and Bill Clinton made this apply to American Law in 1996 with DOMA. However, America is not a Christian nation. There is a separation between Church and State. While your religious beliefs should show in your political beliefs, you have to understand that you cannot legislate morality. You cannot legislate anyone's morality. Whether or not something is a law in America does not make something right or wrong. You can live in America and be a Christian. Regardless of what American law legislates, the Constitution is not the highest law of the land for Christians. If you believe you are under God's law, then practice it. But you need to keep in mind that God's law is not acknowledged by everyone. For people who aren't Christian, they live by the Constitution. Throwing Bible verses at them won't make them change their beliefs. You need to recognize that we are all human beings. You are no better than anyone else. Know that this is the generation same-sex marriage will be legalized. And even if it wasn't, same-sex couples will still exist and be completely open about their relationships. As a Christian, what are you going to do about it? I hope you follow Jesus' greatest commandment: love your neighbor as yourself.

To LGBT and supporters: It is awesome that you are sticking up for your beliefs. DOMA will most likely be repealed and federal law will eventually acknowledge same-sex marriages. The next generation won't see it as a cultural taboo. People are going to be accepting and more loving.

For anyone who has had a bad encounter with a Christian, I'd like to apologize. I understand that it's frustrating to have these hypocritical and self-righteous people try to preach at you or throw Bible verses at you. It's understanding that you don't care to know about God and or their belief in fairy tales. But I would just like to ask for you to be understanding too. A few bad eggs doesn't mean that all Christians are rotten homophobes. There are Christians who have gay friends or family members and genuinely love them without looking at  them differently. A few dumb Christians shouldn't get to represent the beliefs of all Christians.

Lately I've been seeing these posts about verses from the Old Testament and ending in a quote saying, "Don't tell others how to live if you can't even follow your own shitty beliefs." Christians don't follow the laws in the Old Testament because they get updated in the New Testament through Jesus' teachings. Quoting radical laws from the Old Testament as a way to slap Christians in the face and make them seem stupid isn't fair. It's talked about in the New Testament and that's where they get their idea of marriage. There are those intolerant, stupid Christians who throw arguments at you and say people will eventually start marrying their cats after same-sex marriage is passed. But it's just as intolerant to say Christian's have shitty beliefs before you actually see what the majority of Christians believe. Ignore the rude Christians that try to shove Scripture down your throat. But at least give the benefit of the doubt to other Christians who aren't like that.

To both: The whole point of this blog is to try and get both sides to be more understanding. It's wrong on either side to be disrespectful towards the other persons beliefs. You don't necessarily have to agree with each other, but that shouldn't make you be rude or condescending. Bashing the other side's view doesn't make yours look better. Simply learn to love one another despite your differences.

Augustine describing the Trinity

"The true objects of enjoyment, then, are the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit, who are at the same time the Trinity, one Being, supreme above all, and common to all who enjoy Him, if He is an object, and not rather the cause of all objects, or indeed even if He is the cause of all. For it is not easy to find a name that will suitably express so great excellence, unless it is better to speak in this way: The Trinity, one God, of whom are all things, through whom are all things, in whom are all things.(1) Thus the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit, and each of these by Himself, is God, and at the same time they are all one God; and each of them by Himself is a complete substance, and yet they are all one substance. The Father is not the Son nor the Holy Spirit; the Son is not the Father nor the Holy Spirit; the Holy Spirit is not the Father nor the Son: but the Father is only Father, the Son is only Son, and the Holy Spirit is only Holy Spirit. To all three belong the same eternity, the same unchangeableness, the same majesty, the same power. In the Father is unity, in the Son equality, in the Holy Spirit the harmony of unity and equality; and these three attributes are all one because of the Father, all equal because of the Son, and all harmonious because of the Holy Spirit."

An excerpt from Augustine's "On Christian Doctrine"

Just look up.

Last night, Lisa went home to be with the Lord. She was like a mother to me while I was growing up. I used to spend more time at her house with her family than with my own flesh and blood. In middle school, she took me to school every morning with her daughters. When I had head lice and couldn't treat it for months, she treated it for me until it went away. And then had to treat Sarah with her super thick hair lol. Every Wednesday night she would pick us up from church. On Sundays, she would go to church with us and make a huge dinner for our family. We've got some picky eaters so she made something for everybody. She gave you the best & most straight forward advice when you needed to hear it. She gave me a lot of advice, and always asked about my family. If you were wearing mismatched clothes and had bedhead, Lisa would still tell you you looked beautiful. She actually meant it. When Lisa cared about someone, she genuinely cared about you. She was very compassionate when someone was sick or hurting. When I was at the camps last summer, she called me just to tell me she missed me and she loved me. <3

This admirable woman gave us the three beautiful young ladies that I call my sisters: Amanda, Sarah, and Christina. Their mother would do anything for her children. As a single mother who raised five children, Lisa is pretty incredible. If her kids really wanted or needed something, she would find a way to get it. She loved them unconditionally. She could tell if something was wrong or if something was bothering them. Being a concerned mother when any of her daughters were acting strange, she would secretly call me to make sure they were alright. I had to promise to tell her if anything was seriously wrong. Of course I never had to tell her about anything, but she still called anyways because she loved her daughters so so so much. I will forever be thankful to Lisa and look to her with gratitude for the amazing way she raised her children. Also for giving me the people that I consider my close family.

All of her daughters are beautiful, strong, smart, and talented in some way. Their brother Eric has handled everything so well, and is a great man. Alex is a good brother, and has done a good job at being there for his sisters. Saying the upcoming months will be hard is an understatement. Everything is changing, but you will always have each other. Nothing is going to break the tight bonds of this family. You all love one another, and need to be together right now. Mom is so proud of you guys: working, taking care of the house,  taking care of each other. There is nothing you can't do, and you guys will get through this. One day at a time. So many people love you and will be there at a seconds notice to comfort you, cook for you, make you laugh, be a shoulder to cry on, or hug you.

It feels like it was too soon for her to go... and it was. Especially while we are just beginning our adulthood. We weren't ready to let mom go, and we won't be ready to for a very long time. How could we ever be ready to let go of such a wonderful woman who meant so much to us? We don't understand why God would take her so soon. Perhaps we won't even understand during this lifetime. There is one thing we can hold on to during this time of pain, loss, and sorrow. Don't we believe in an afterlife with God and Jesus? Didn't mom believe in that too? Yes, she wholeheartedly did. We can be comforted knowing where mom is. Her body remains here on earth, but her soul is free in Heaven. She is no longer bound by physical pain or hurt. She can only experience joy. She is still alive in Heaven, and we have hopes of seeing her again. We WILL see her again. Until that time, in those moments when you miss her so much, just look up. I promise you she's looking down too.

A time for everything.

Most of us have been on this earth for at least two decades. Yet, we are still taken by surprise when one area of our life such as family, friends, relationships, finances, work, school, health, and the like undergo a change. If this change is seen as bad, people tend to get angry about it. Often, they'll ask "Why me?" or "How can God have allowed something like this to happen?" Then their anger will be directed towards God. We cannot expect things to stay the same forever. Things must change. It is a fact of life. If things are going great, you should expect it to rain sooner or later. If things aren't going too good, you should expect to see the sun shine once more. Everything in this life has its proper time.

"1 There is a time for everything,

      and a season for every activity under heaven:

2 a time to be born and a time to die,

      a time to plant and a time to uproot,

3 a time to kill and a time to heal,

      a time to tear down and a time to build,

4 a time to weep and a time to laugh,

      a time to mourn and a time to dance,

5 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,

      a time to embrace and a time to refrain,

6 a time to search and a time to give up,

      a time to keep and a time to throw away,

7 a time to tear and a time to mend,

      a time to be silent and a time to speak,

8 a time to love and a time to hate,

      a time for war and a time for peace.

9 What does the worker gain from his toil? 10 I have seen the burden God has laid on men. 11 He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end. 12 I know that there is nothing better for men than to be happy and do good while they live. 13 That everyone may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all his toil—this is the gift of God. 14 I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that men will revere him." (Ecclesiastes 3:1-14)

Nothing in life is a mere coincidence. The environment you were raised in, the silly mistakes you made as a teenager or college student, your heart's greatest passions, the pain and happiness you have endured, the people you have encountered and let go of. All of these things have had a specific purpose in your life. The best things are usually the most unexpected. The change you're going through right now, or will soon be going through, is necessary. While it is not intentional on your part, it is quite intentional on God's part. Our desired timing for something can be non-beneficial. So whether or not this change seems to be good right now, endure it. Embrace it. Challenge it with a smile and be ready for whatever it brings. It may have taken you by surprise, but it was already foreseen by someone else. Although it looks like an inconvenience, it might become your biggest opportunity. Let go of those things or people you had wished for but never received. Be humble, thoughtful, and accepting towards change. Their seems to be an ever silent hand guiding us to where we need to be. Just think about it. Don't things always seem to work themselves out in the end?

*Satan*

While I was on facebook I came across a page called *Satan*. I looked at the page out of curiosity. What I saw didn’t surprise me too much. There were a ton of people bashing religion and God and His “fans”. Naturally, there would be Christian responses. I didn’t like most of them. There were Christians “defending the faith”. They did this by posting Bible verses and telling the people that they needed to accept Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior. That the Lord will execute His enemies. That everyone needed to repent and shouldn’t sell their soul to the Devil. And we wonder why people don’t like Christians? That’s why.

            Although the Christians may have had good intentions, they went about it the wrong way. There’s a good way and a bad way to approach these things, and that was definitely a bad way. If you tell people these kinds of things when they already have a negative view of Christianity and God, then you are going to get a not-so-cheery response. You need to remember that they don’t have the same beliefs as you. They are going to think that what you’re saying is hog wash and label you as an unintelligent loony-tune. Being “Holier than thou” will not get you anywhere. The only thing you will get from it is closed doors, smirks, and curses. You don’t want to lose an opportunity because you’re trying to be pious. Do you think that will please God? Think again.

            Why not discuss how they came to their conclusion about Christianity and God instead of condemning them to hell? That will open the door for a good discussion. You will be able to see their side and learn how they think. Then in turn, you have a chance to share how you came to your conclusion about God and Christianity. I couldn’t see this page and say nothing. I posted “So this is an anti-Christianity & anti-religion page. Why do you hate Christianity or religion in general? I’m not taking any sides, but want genuine feedback please.” I’m hoping that people give real, thoughtful responses. I will make another blog that will anonymously list some of the responses. If you ever hope or intend on talking to people who see things differently, then you need to know their point of view.

Tragedy Strikes.

In my community, today is hard to bear. It is hard to smile or laugh when we remember what happened two years ago. Today marks the two-year anniversary of a tragedy: a beautiful & beloved teenager got taken from us. Her eyes closed: never to be opened again.

I remember when I first heard about it on April 10th, 2010. Sophomore year. Spring break is only a week away. Amanda, Chrissy, and I are in their living room. Amanda gets a call from one of our close friends. Tears start rolling down her face. Waiting impatiently, we all want to know why she's crying. The phone call ends and there is a moment of silence. Finally Amanda says, "Allie got into a car accident yesterday." Heart drops. "Is she okay?" It seemed like we spent forever waiting for the answer. Phone calls were made to find out more information. We were worried. Finally we find out that she's in the hospital. All we know is that she's unconscious and hasn't woken up yet. My mom took us to go see her. On the way there my mom reassures me that people can regain consciousness.

We arrive at the hospital and make the journey up to her room. There are a ton of other people there already. Some of them are mutual friends. The waiting room next to her room is full of family; the hallway is full of friends. They let us know that Allie has no brain activity. Machines are keeping her breathing, but they will be shut off tomorrow. Our close friend is never going to wake up. We will never hear her mellifluous laugh again; never see her contagious smile. It took a few minutes for that to sink in. The tears started flowing and would not stop.

Her mom let us go into Allie's room to see her one last time. Allie is laying there peacefully. Her eyes are shut and there is a subtle rising and falling in her chest. Good friends gave her a manicure and pedicure. Not a single blond hair was misplaced. Her pink skin was lotioned. Allie looked so alive. Like she was only sleeping. Her mom told us that we can talk to Allie. We could give her a hug or a kiss on the cheek. I was speechless. Words refused to come out of my mouth. I couldn't touch her because she wouldn't be able to give me a hug in return. All she had was a small sign of impact on her forehead and a broken nose. Untouched by death, Allie was still beautiful.

Allie was taken off of life support on April 11th, 2010. The rest of April was a living hell. It would not stop raining. Heaven was mourning with us. My sisters and I were very close with Allie Freshman year. She used to come over almost every day after school. A part of our hearts died with her. All of us had a different way of coping. My sisters and a few friends painted the pole that the car crashed into. Many of her close friends spent a lot of time together. I coped by withdrawing from everyone. The anxiety was too much to handle, and I couldn't be there for anyone. I wish I had been there more for my sisters.

How could a sixteen year old believe there was justice in an undeserved death? I couldn't. So I was angry. I was angry with God for taking Allie away from us. She was one of the last people on Earth who deserved to die so young. She loved life and she lived it. I was bearing an unbearable burden. In my anger I yelled at God. I yelled for weeks. I didn't understand. All I wanted was to understand. I had believed that God was just and He had a purpose for everything. So I was shaken up because I couldn't see a purpose in this. My anger had gotten so bad that I couldn't pray without crying. Nor could I read my Bible without crying. I used to turn to my faith in God when I was confronted with pain or grief. With my faith running dry, where else could I have turned?

The time came where I was tired of yelling at God. I was honest with Him and told Him that it was too much. I needed comfort. It was all or nothing. I demanded an answer as to why He allowed this tragedy to strike. I could not move forward without clarity, and my faith was running thin. I opened my Bible to a random place expecting to finally hear from God. And oh I definitely heard Him. I opened my Bible to 1 Thessalonians 4:13-18.


 " ¹³ Brothers, we do not want you to be ignorant about those who fall asleep, or to grieve like the rest of men, who have no hope. ¹⁴ We believe that Jesus died and rose again and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him. ¹⁵ According to the Lord’s own word, we tell you that we who are still alive, who are left till the coming of the Lord, will certainly not precede those who have fallen asleep. ¹⁶ For the Lord himself will come down from heaven, with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. ¹⁷ After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever. ¹⁸ Therefore encourage each other with these words."

I miss her sooo much. But that day God answered my yells. He gave me comfort knowing that there is hope. I will see her again. Not in this life, but in the next<3. When you call on Him, He will answer.