Dear Mike

Dear Mike,

A year has come and gone.

I can vividly recall how it felt in the beginning. I knew something was wrong when mom and dad came over so late on a Friday. I asked if you had overdosed again. You see, the week before, I was on my knees begging God to spare your life. He did. You were discharged from the hospital and I thought everything was going to be okay. Surely you had learned we still needed you. You would get better. Right?

They said I had better sit down. Yes, you had in fact overdosed again. But this time you were not coming back. I could see their lips moving and hear the words coming out of their mouths, but my brain could not process the information. Slowly it started to sink in as they stared at me with tortured expressions. The sobbing ensued. The shock seeped into my bones.

If hell exists on earth, the following days I lived in it. Immune to sleep and unable to keep food down, I resembled a zombie. Planning the arrangements, choosing the music, making a picture slideshow, reading through quotes, finding an outfit for the wake. It's like I was watching a movie from someone else's body and couldn't turn it off; trapped in a nightmare I could not escape.

To this day, I still have no idea how I made it through your funeral. Growing up, I had always feared this day but never imagined it would actually happen. There was always hope you would get better. 

We were allowed to see you before anyone else. I was adamant that I wanted an open viewing, but was horrified when I actually saw you. I could imagine the padding under your shirt. The makeup failed to give color to your skin and lips. The stillness of your body was the most disturbing. 

Many people gave their condolences. Flowers were sent. Speeches were made. It was nice seeing how loved you were; to see evidence of all the lives you touched. 

Bereavement leave is only three days. Then it was time to return to the real world. How do you participate in things like work and relationships when nothing matters to you anymore? I was about to find out. 

The following weeks I went through the motions of life. Wake up, shower, go to work, come home, sleep, repeat. Lots of fake smiling and absentminded conversations in between. Just trying to make it through the day by pretending I was a normal, functioning member of society even though I wished I could stop existing. My supportive husband, family, and friends kept my head above the water.

One day, about 2 months later, I realized I didnt want to live life this way any longer. I was not doing justice to your memory. I had to wake up from this fog. I had to make a new reality for myself and think about what I truly wanted out of life. Creating a vision board expressed the future I desired.

Rather than remain a victim, I used my pain to fuel my passion for photography. I needed to give my life purpose. I poured my heart, soul, and every fiber of my being into my business. I began scheduling photoshoots again and mastering my craft. Being one of twenty people in November who got to attend a Sue Bryce workshop in LA lifted my spirits and confirmed I was on the right path. Perhaps God remembered me after all.

With newfound hope and resilience, I started the new year with the goal of opening a studio, quitting my full-time job, treating my body with love, and beginning the journey to becoming debt-free. Life is short. If I had to live this life without you, it would be on my terms.

Halfway into 2018, I have done all those things. In May I started working part-time at a new company. June brought the studio. July brings selling our house, and reaching my goal weight. It also marks one year without you...

For me, time has stood still.  A year has passed, and I am still mourning you as if it happened yesterday.  I can change my appearance, my job, my residence, and chase my dreams of being a successful business owner. Yet, my reality is untouched. None of these things can fill the void that your absence brings. How long does it take to grieve someone I have loved my entire life? My guess is a lifetime.

Grief has become a constant companion. I still have the nightmares, the moments where I can hardly breathe, the days of crying for hours on end. Sometimes I see someone on the road who looks like you or walks like you, and I do a double take. Something on a TV show or a song on the radio will remind me of you, propelling me into a whirlwind of emotions. I still talk about it as if it happened to someone else and cannot visit your grave.

Somehow, by the grace of God, I have made it through the past 365 days. Your death has scarred me, Michael. My life is divided into two parts: before you and after you. I am not the same person I once was. The road to healing will be a long one, and I do not see the end in sight. But others say it will get better. That it won't sting as much eventually. I am still trying to figure out how to live without you.

I may never figure it out, but I promise you this: I will try. I will fight to see the light on the dark days. I will try to create the best life I can and live it to the fullest, even if you aren't here to share it with me. I will live in a way that honors your memory. I hope one day when I meet you in heaven that you are there to greet me and say that you were with me every step of the way. Until then, know that I love you and have missed you every moment of every day along the way.

Love,
Steph-Steph.

RE: The Most Common Factors in Declining Churches: An analysis of my church

About a month ago, I read an article called "The Most Common Factors in Declining Churches." Since I love reading, the article caught my attention. Especially because it is about churches. The original article from Lifeway can be read here: http://www.lifeway.com/pastors/2016/08/16/the-most-common-factor-in-declining-churches/

Here are the most common factors:

• There are very few attempts to minister to those in the community.
• Church business meetings become arguments over preferences and desires.
• Numbers of members in the congregation are openly critical of the pastor, other church staff, and lay leaders in the church.
• Any change necessary to become a Great Commission church is met with anger and resistance.
• The past becomes the hero.
• Culture is seen as the enemy instead of an opportunity for believers to become salt and light.
• If the churches are a part of a denomination or similar affiliation, meetings of those denominations mirror the churches in lost focus and divisiveness 
• Pastors and other leaders in the church become discouraged and withdraw from effective leadership.

After reading this article, I began thinking about how it relates to my church. I have been going to the same church since I was 13. That's almost 10 years now. I spent most of my middle school and high school days there in youth group. In college, it was my home church. I began serving as a 1st & 2nd grade Sunday school teacher, chairman of the missions committee, member of the youth committee, chaperoning, attending college group every Saturday. When I met Julio, my husband, he was not Christian. He went to church with me, asked questions, found answers in the Lord, and got baptized. This church and the people in it are my family and hold a special place in my heart. So I wondered, does it fit any signs of a declining church?

There are very few attempts to minister to those in the community.

The church should be ministering to everyone, but especially the most marginalized people in society: the poor, the widow, the orphan, the foreigner, and the sick. Our church is excellent in ministering to the sick. The previous chairman of the missions committee is a doctor. Her and her husband founded the medical clinic that serves two Saturdays per month. It's extraordinary. A few people in the college group were ministering to the homeless people in John Prince Park one Saturday per month, but it appears to have dwindled. Whenever a church member passes away, the church is good about being there for that person.  It doesn't always happen though.

We have a few recurring events during the year like Trunk or Treat and an Easter egg hunt to minister to kids. The church is extremely welcoming to people who visit, but members hardly invite anyone to church. It is quite inward focused and has events planned mainly for existing members. Why don't we do this at our potlucks????

Luke 14:15-24

The Parable of the Great Banquet

15 When one of those at the table with him heard this, he said to Jesus, “Blessed is the one who will eat at the feast in the kingdom of God.”

16 Jesus replied: “A certain man was preparing a great banquet and invited many guests. 17 At the time of the banquet he sent his servant to tell those who had been invited, ‘Come, for everything is now ready.’

18 “But they all alike began to make excuses. The first said, ‘I have just bought a field, and I must go and see it. Please excuse me.’

19 “Another said, ‘I have just bought five yoke of oxen, and I’m on my way to try them out. Please excuse me.’

20 “Still another said, ‘I just got married, so I can’t come.’

21 “The servant came back and reported this to his master. Then the owner of the house became angry and ordered his servant, ‘Go out quickly into the streets and alleys of the town and bring in the poor, the crippled, the blind and the lame.’

22 “‘Sir,’ the servant said, ‘what you ordered has been done, but there is still room.’

23 “Then the master told his servant, ‘Go out to the roads and country lanes and compel them to come in, so that my house will be full. 24 I tell you, not one of those who were invited will get a taste of my banquet.’”

Church business meetings become arguments over preferences and desires.  AND 
Numbers of members in the congregation are openly critical of the pastor, other church staff, and lay leaders in the church.

I'm combining these two because they go hand-in-hand. Church meetings can be productive at times. As a leader though, we try and plan around the things the congregation will like. We changed the music, people complained and didn't want to come anymore. We split into a traditional and contemporary service to appeal to both older and younger generations, people complained. You can't please everyone. Does Jesus care what time you worship Him? No, He only cares that you do. Does Jesus really care whether you sings hymns or with drums and loud music? No, He only cares that you sing and praise Him. If He doesn't care, why do we make such simple matters the main reason we cannot focus during worship or want to go to another church? I don't know either. You see, when we approach ministry in this manner, we are not leaving room for the Holy Spirit to move in our hearts and church. It needs to be focused on HIM instead of us. 

Any change necessary to become a Great Commission church is met with anger and resistance.

Matthew 28:16-20 The Great Commission

16 Then the eleven disciples went to Galilee, to the mountain where Jesus had told them to go. 17 When they saw him, they worshiped him; but some doubted. 18 Then Jesus came to them and said, “All authority in heaven and on earth has been given to me. 19 Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, 20 and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you. And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age.”

Acts 1:8

"8 But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit has come upon you, and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the end of the earth.”

The idea is that you tell people the good news about Jesus. You start in your neighborhood, your city, and go throughout the world. The youth group, in all honesty, is the only part of the church fulfilling the great commission. They go on a missions trip every other year for one week during the summer. Typically through World Changers. You have a few members who support missions or have a sponsor child in another country. Or they might support a missionary in another country. This is only a small percentage of the congregation. As a whole, our church is not mission-oriented. We are focusing on ourselves and barely on our community. 

A few months ago the missions committee held a prayer conference. We prayed for guidance on international missions. It has been a topic in our committee meetings because our church has only gone on one international missions trip since it was founded over 40 years ago. Yes we give to the FL Baptist conventions that support the North American Missions Board (NAMB) and International Missions Board (IMB). It is not the same as going with your hands and your feet to share the love of Christ and redeeming people from darkness.

The past becomes the hero. AND Culture is seen as the enemy instead of an opportunity for believers to become salt and light.

These go hand in hand. The past is important because it reminds us of where we came from. It shows us how far we have come or how little we have changed. I often hear about how our church had so many visitors in the beginning that they had to add chairs in aisles because there were overflowing pews. Whenever we would discuss outreach ideas, we would recycle the same things we have used in the past. When new leadership arrives, they are compared to the previous one. "I don't like the new teaching material. I don't like how we no longer do blah, blah, blah. I don't like the new style of music. I don't like our new procedure for voting. I don't like how the young girls are dressing." Go on and on with people's complaints about how they prefer the old way and the new way is horrible.

You see, when I became a Christian I realized my old self was dead and I am a new creation in Christ.  I had to take away some of the bad things and eradicate my sin to make room for the new holiness and righteousness that God was going to create in my heart. The church needs to be the same way. It needs to be open to evolving, to new ideas, to new people, to new growth. Because a church that doesn't grow becomes static. A static church becomes an passionless church. A passionless church dies.

If the churches are a part of a denomination or similar affiliation, meetings of those denominations mirror the churches in lost focus and divisiveness.

Although I attend a baptist church, I consider myself non-denominational. I believe denominations have nearly destroyed the Church, the bride of Christ. It seems it has divided the church rather than united it. We argue over petty things about the communion, whether or not we can drink alcohol, how precisely God works in baptism, etc. Be one in Christ and His salvation He offers.

Pastors and other leaders in the church become discouraged and withdraw from effective leadership.

I was placed in several leadership positions. As a Sunday school teacher, I taught first and second graders a Bible lesson every single Sunday at 11am. Then 9:30am when we changed back to our old schedule. I was present for family meetings, available to give people rides home, got to church early, was a VBS teacher, and the like. As a member of the youth committee, I chaperoned events, filled in for the awesome youth pastor when he left, taught lessons once in awhile, hosted an all-ladies bible study, and spent countless hours giving rides, hugs, and my heart to youth I still love. They are now becoming adults, but they are still the youth I love and served all those years. As a member and chairman of the missions committee, we met once per month, planned events and outreaches, started the homeless outreach, and more.

What did all of these leadership positions get me? Much joy in the beginning. I was incredibly happy to serve because once we know and love God, it is our job to make disciples and pour into others. I was volunteering at my church, my favorite place in the world. Then time passed. I no longer looked forward to committee meetings and seeing my friends there. I would loathe making the agenda and literally waited to do it the day of our monthly meeting. I stopped putting my heart and soul into my Sunday school lessons. When kids didn't listen, which was quite often, I lost my patience and became frustrated. My hard work and effort in creating the Bible bucks system crumbled. I stopped looking forward to hearing sermons and attending church. I stopped looking forward to going to college group and praying. I stopped looking forward to opening God's word and listening to what He wanted to tell me. 

My heart was made of stone. Nothing moved me. In these leadership positions, church had become an obligation instead of a place of worship. Outreaches had become simple events and planning details instead of a mission field where I expected God to move hearts to salvation. I was burnt out. I cried before church because I could not understand where my love had gone. Where was the passion?

Then I heard a sermon on this:

To the Church in Ephesus

2 “To the angel[a] of the church in Ephesus write:

These are the words of him who holds the seven stars in his right hand and walks among the seven golden lampstands. 2 I know your deeds, your hard work and your perseverance. I know that you cannot tolerate wicked people, that you have tested those who claim to be apostles but are not, and have found them false. 3 You have persevered and have endured hardships for my name, and have not grown weary.

4 Yet I hold this against you: You have forsaken the love you had at first.5 Consider how far you have fallen! Repent and do the things you did at first. If you do not repent, I will come to you and remove your lampstand from its place.6 But you have this in your favor: You hate the practices of the Nicolaitans,which I also hate.

7 Whoever has ears, let them hear what the Spirit says to the churches. To the one who is victorious, I will give the right to eat from the tree of life, which is in the paradise of God."

It clicked. For the first time in over a year, I was moved. I understood what God was telling me. I could not put my church, my leadership, my relationships, my work, or anything else above my Lord and Savior. I needed to say NO. I said no to teaching. I said no to missions. How can an empty well pour love and knowledge into others?

Since this time, it took a few weeks before I could open my Bible. I began doing a reading plan on Biblegateway.com that takes you through the whole Bible in 90 days. I spend about an hour reading my Bible everyday. I'm almost halfway through it now. Once I finish this plan, I will do a less intense one. I have read almost everything about 5-6 times in my life. For the first time ever, Job makes sense. I am listening to God like never before. 

I still have not returned to church for about two months. I went to another church with my mom once since she asked me to go. I plan on going back to my home church soon. Now it is because I want to worship God with a community of believers I love. 

I want to make my reason for writing clear: I feel like there are many others in my shoes who have not acknowledged it. These words are not meant condemn anyone or any group. Rather, they are meant to shed light on the things that are dwindling our church and affecting our walk with Christ. As a Christian, I am fallen and in need of my Savior. It is so easy to focus on the finances of the church rather than the mission of the church; staying in our comfortable pews rather than meeting people in their dirty sin and uncomfortable places; closing our hearts rather than opening them to change; and following our plans rather than God's plans. It is time for a change and for us to start listening to where God wants to take our church to serve the community around it. I'm ready to listen.... are you?

Love is...

Blind.  The heart does not understand when someone is gone. When a person is no longer there to talk to, give advice, share a smile, or offer comfort. It cannot comprehend this empty void a person leaves behind. Nor does it know how to fill this void with other things or people. It cannot make sense of the moments you cry when you're by yourself or the nights you cannot fall asleep. Love does not recognize a grave with a name and connect it with the living, breathing person you remember.

Relentless. It does not cease when a person passes away. It does not simply erase or erode when grief encompasses a heart. It does not falter or fade with passing time, although the grief may. It remembers conversations and unforgettable moments shared with no one else. The good memories of a lost loved one cause unbearable pain and sorrow at first. It only serves as a reminder of what you are missing. Eventually, the memories will bring a smile and come with healing. The void in your heart becomes a reservoir dedicated to the love for that one person who cannot be replaced.

Eternal. Even though a person is not physically there to remind you they love you, they are spiritually present. Life does not end in physical death. The person you still love is living on but differently. It does not change the fact that we miss them or we want them to be a part of our lives physically. But it does give us hope to see them again. Hope we otherwise would not have.

This has recently crossed my mind because it is the holiday season. This time is especially difficult for people who are missing someone that cannot be here to celebrate it. I have specifically been thinking of Christmas. It is supposed to be a reminder that Jesus, God Himself, came down from heaven with a purpose: to fulfill the promise He had given to redeem a fallen world and give hope to those who feel its brokenness. There is hope in the life, death, and resurrection of Jesus. He overcame death after being dead for three days. There is forgiveness and life for anyone who asks for it. A love that is unconditional. Life after death and the hope to see other people again.

If you have ever experienced loss of a loved one, I'm sure you have questioned whether or not there is more to this life. For all of the pain and suffering we experience... there must be.

During Christmas and every other day I will be missing Allie, Aunt Sue, Uncle David, Aunt Mo, and especially Lisa and Nana.

"13 Brothers and sisters, we do not want you to be uninformed about those who sleep in death, so that you do not grieve like the rest of mankind, who have no hope. 14 For we believe that Jesus died and rose again, and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him. 15 According to the Lord’s word, we tell you that we who are still alive, who are left until the coming of the Lord, will certainly not precede those who have fallen asleep. 16 For the Lord himself will come down from heaven, with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. 17 After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever. 18 Therefore encourage one another with these words." 1 Thessalonians 4:13-18

Dear Nana,

Dear Nana,

I wish you were still here. I have so many things I wanted to tell you. I think in this past year I have probably spent more time with you than anyone else. Yet, somehow, it still doesn't feel like it was long enough. When Denise called me on Saturday night to tell me the news, my world stopped. All I can do is keep myself busy so I don't have time to think. Because if I think about it, I might internally combust and crumble. My mind feels like it's been hazy since then and I don't think the clouds are going away anytime soon. Suddenly, those notes you would leave for me when I spent the night are prized treasure. Your little scribbled "I love you's" on yellow paper are gold to me. If I can find any pictures of us together, it will be better than winning the lottery.

I wanted to say thank you for everything you've taught me. For showing me how to tie my shoes. The difference between "cheap" and "inexpensive." Everyone should have bright clothes and different jewelry for every occasion. How to appreciate the stillness of the world and my surroundings when we would bird watch in your backyard. That the small moments are the most beautiful and the ones we remember. To never judge anyone, no matter how terrible they may be. Always to be honest with others even if we're afraid to tell the truth. To be sensitive and patient with others and their pain. Sharing your stories with me over and over again. I could listen to you for hours and be so intrigued by the people you've met, the places you've been, and the things you've done. That family runs deeper than blood and is marked by the people who choose to invest in your life. For always being there for me and supporting me in everything I've ever wanted to do. I'm mostly thankful for your unconditional love and understanding.

I know you don't want me or anyone else to be sad. It's just so hard because you are so loved and such an extraordinary woman. Going to your funeral will be one of the worst days of my life. It will make everything seem so final. Almost like a last goodbye. But that's why I wanted to write to you. Because even though you aren't physically here anymore, the footprints you've left all over my heart always will be. And because I don't think death is final, I hope to see you again someday. I hope a day will come when I can think of you and it won't hurt anymore. That I can simply smile and share a memory of you or one of your words of wisdom. You'll be in my thoughts everyday and my heart for eternity. I miss you and love you.

Until we can meet again,

Stephie

=

I would really like to say something to both points of view about marriage equality. I realize this is a very touchy subject that may spark debate. I am please asking that any comments are not negative, malicious, or rude.

To Christians: This has most likely ruffled your feathers or made you uncomfortable. In an attempt to stick up for your beliefs, you have trampled over other people. Many Christian's are reacting in a non-Christ-like manner. If you are commenting on people's "=" pictures or their pages with Bible quotes: just stop it. You are quoting Bible verses to someone that feels like it has no authority over their lives. Especially if you are just googling bible verses on homosexuality and picking the first one you find in Deuteronomy or Leviticus. Also, quit saying things like "abomination to God." You are in no position to say those kinds of hateful phrases to anyone. Yes, talk to others about your convictions but do not condemn someone or be judgmental in the process.

What really aggravates me is that this is the only topic Christians feel the need to address. What about sex before marriage? or divorce? or tithing? or not being drunk? or helping the poor, widow, and orphan? You like to say "all sins are equal in the eyes of God. Homosexuality is just as bad as having sex before marriage, or being unfaithful, or etc." You may be able to acknowledge this with your mind but you do not believe that in your heart. If you did, then you would not focus all of your attention on this topic and ignore all of the other things the Bible talks about. It's so easy to pick and choose which beliefs you want to stick up for. You find satisfaction in telling someone they're wrong for loving someone of the same-sex while you ignore the fact that you get drunk every weekend or have pre-marital sex all the time or are prideful. American-Christians have made being gay such a cultural taboo that they think it's okay to openly condemn homosexuality and make it seem worse than other things that people struggle with. Is that something Jesus would do? NO. After all, he did hang out with prostitutes and tax collectors and lepers. He rebuked the self-righteous Pharisees that oppressed the poor, widow, and orphan more than he rebuked the prostitute or other people society looks down on. Take a look in your overly-pious mirror and recognize there is a plank in your eye before you yell about the speck in someone else's eye.

In all truthfulness, it should not be such a crisis if the DOMA law changes. Biblical marriage is defined as a union between one man and one woman and Bill Clinton made this apply to American Law in 1996 with DOMA. However, America is not a Christian nation. There is a separation between Church and State. While your religious beliefs should show in your political beliefs, you have to understand that you cannot legislate morality. You cannot legislate anyone's morality. Whether or not something is a law in America does not make something right or wrong. You can live in America and be a Christian. Regardless of what American law legislates, the Constitution is not the highest law of the land for Christians. If you believe you are under God's law, then practice it. But you need to keep in mind that God's law is not acknowledged by everyone. For people who aren't Christian, they live by the Constitution. Throwing Bible verses at them won't make them change their beliefs. You need to recognize that we are all human beings. You are no better than anyone else. Know that this is the generation same-sex marriage will be legalized. And even if it wasn't, same-sex couples will still exist and be completely open about their relationships. As a Christian, what are you going to do about it? I hope you follow Jesus' greatest commandment: love your neighbor as yourself.

To LGBT and supporters: It is awesome that you are sticking up for your beliefs. DOMA will most likely be repealed and federal law will eventually acknowledge same-sex marriages. The next generation won't see it as a cultural taboo. People are going to be accepting and more loving.

For anyone who has had a bad encounter with a Christian, I'd like to apologize. I understand that it's frustrating to have these hypocritical and self-righteous people try to preach at you or throw Bible verses at you. It's understanding that you don't care to know about God and or their belief in fairy tales. But I would just like to ask for you to be understanding too. A few bad eggs doesn't mean that all Christians are rotten homophobes. There are Christians who have gay friends or family members and genuinely love them without looking at  them differently. A few dumb Christians shouldn't get to represent the beliefs of all Christians.

Lately I've been seeing these posts about verses from the Old Testament and ending in a quote saying, "Don't tell others how to live if you can't even follow your own shitty beliefs." Christians don't follow the laws in the Old Testament because they get updated in the New Testament through Jesus' teachings. Quoting radical laws from the Old Testament as a way to slap Christians in the face and make them seem stupid isn't fair. It's talked about in the New Testament and that's where they get their idea of marriage. There are those intolerant, stupid Christians who throw arguments at you and say people will eventually start marrying their cats after same-sex marriage is passed. But it's just as intolerant to say Christian's have shitty beliefs before you actually see what the majority of Christians believe. Ignore the rude Christians that try to shove Scripture down your throat. But at least give the benefit of the doubt to other Christians who aren't like that.

To both: The whole point of this blog is to try and get both sides to be more understanding. It's wrong on either side to be disrespectful towards the other persons beliefs. You don't necessarily have to agree with each other, but that shouldn't make you be rude or condescending. Bashing the other side's view doesn't make yours look better. Simply learn to love one another despite your differences.

Augustine describing the Trinity

"The true objects of enjoyment, then, are the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit, who are at the same time the Trinity, one Being, supreme above all, and common to all who enjoy Him, if He is an object, and not rather the cause of all objects, or indeed even if He is the cause of all. For it is not easy to find a name that will suitably express so great excellence, unless it is better to speak in this way: The Trinity, one God, of whom are all things, through whom are all things, in whom are all things.(1) Thus the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit, and each of these by Himself, is God, and at the same time they are all one God; and each of them by Himself is a complete substance, and yet they are all one substance. The Father is not the Son nor the Holy Spirit; the Son is not the Father nor the Holy Spirit; the Holy Spirit is not the Father nor the Son: but the Father is only Father, the Son is only Son, and the Holy Spirit is only Holy Spirit. To all three belong the same eternity, the same unchangeableness, the same majesty, the same power. In the Father is unity, in the Son equality, in the Holy Spirit the harmony of unity and equality; and these three attributes are all one because of the Father, all equal because of the Son, and all harmonious because of the Holy Spirit."

An excerpt from Augustine's "On Christian Doctrine"

Just look up.

Last night, Lisa went home to be with the Lord. She was like a mother to me while I was growing up. I used to spend more time at her house with her family than with my own flesh and blood. In middle school, she took me to school every morning with her daughters. When I had head lice and couldn't treat it for months, she treated it for me until it went away. And then had to treat Sarah with her super thick hair lol. Every Wednesday night she would pick us up from church. On Sundays, she would go to church with us and make a huge dinner for our family. We've got some picky eaters so she made something for everybody. She gave you the best & most straight forward advice when you needed to hear it. She gave me a lot of advice, and always asked about my family. If you were wearing mismatched clothes and had bedhead, Lisa would still tell you you looked beautiful. She actually meant it. When Lisa cared about someone, she genuinely cared about you. She was very compassionate when someone was sick or hurting. When I was at the camps last summer, she called me just to tell me she missed me and she loved me. <3

This admirable woman gave us the three beautiful young ladies that I call my sisters: Amanda, Sarah, and Christina. Their mother would do anything for her children. As a single mother who raised five children, Lisa is pretty incredible. If her kids really wanted or needed something, she would find a way to get it. She loved them unconditionally. She could tell if something was wrong or if something was bothering them. Being a concerned mother when any of her daughters were acting strange, she would secretly call me to make sure they were alright. I had to promise to tell her if anything was seriously wrong. Of course I never had to tell her about anything, but she still called anyways because she loved her daughters so so so much. I will forever be thankful to Lisa and look to her with gratitude for the amazing way she raised her children. Also for giving me the people that I consider my close family.

All of her daughters are beautiful, strong, smart, and talented in some way. Their brother Eric has handled everything so well, and is a great man. Alex is a good brother, and has done a good job at being there for his sisters. Saying the upcoming months will be hard is an understatement. Everything is changing, but you will always have each other. Nothing is going to break the tight bonds of this family. You all love one another, and need to be together right now. Mom is so proud of you guys: working, taking care of the house,  taking care of each other. There is nothing you can't do, and you guys will get through this. One day at a time. So many people love you and will be there at a seconds notice to comfort you, cook for you, make you laugh, be a shoulder to cry on, or hug you.

It feels like it was too soon for her to go... and it was. Especially while we are just beginning our adulthood. We weren't ready to let mom go, and we won't be ready to for a very long time. How could we ever be ready to let go of such a wonderful woman who meant so much to us? We don't understand why God would take her so soon. Perhaps we won't even understand during this lifetime. There is one thing we can hold on to during this time of pain, loss, and sorrow. Don't we believe in an afterlife with God and Jesus? Didn't mom believe in that too? Yes, she wholeheartedly did. We can be comforted knowing where mom is. Her body remains here on earth, but her soul is free in Heaven. She is no longer bound by physical pain or hurt. She can only experience joy. She is still alive in Heaven, and we have hopes of seeing her again. We WILL see her again. Until that time, in those moments when you miss her so much, just look up. I promise you she's looking down too.

A time for everything.

Most of us have been on this earth for at least two decades. Yet, we are still taken by surprise when one area of our life such as family, friends, relationships, finances, work, school, health, and the like undergo a change. If this change is seen as bad, people tend to get angry about it. Often, they'll ask "Why me?" or "How can God have allowed something like this to happen?" Then their anger will be directed towards God. We cannot expect things to stay the same forever. Things must change. It is a fact of life. If things are going great, you should expect it to rain sooner or later. If things aren't going too good, you should expect to see the sun shine once more. Everything in this life has its proper time.

"1 There is a time for everything,

      and a season for every activity under heaven:

2 a time to be born and a time to die,

      a time to plant and a time to uproot,

3 a time to kill and a time to heal,

      a time to tear down and a time to build,

4 a time to weep and a time to laugh,

      a time to mourn and a time to dance,

5 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,

      a time to embrace and a time to refrain,

6 a time to search and a time to give up,

      a time to keep and a time to throw away,

7 a time to tear and a time to mend,

      a time to be silent and a time to speak,

8 a time to love and a time to hate,

      a time for war and a time for peace.

9 What does the worker gain from his toil? 10 I have seen the burden God has laid on men. 11 He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end. 12 I know that there is nothing better for men than to be happy and do good while they live. 13 That everyone may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all his toil—this is the gift of God. 14 I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that men will revere him." (Ecclesiastes 3:1-14)

Nothing in life is a mere coincidence. The environment you were raised in, the silly mistakes you made as a teenager or college student, your heart's greatest passions, the pain and happiness you have endured, the people you have encountered and let go of. All of these things have had a specific purpose in your life. The best things are usually the most unexpected. The change you're going through right now, or will soon be going through, is necessary. While it is not intentional on your part, it is quite intentional on God's part. Our desired timing for something can be non-beneficial. So whether or not this change seems to be good right now, endure it. Embrace it. Challenge it with a smile and be ready for whatever it brings. It may have taken you by surprise, but it was already foreseen by someone else. Although it looks like an inconvenience, it might become your biggest opportunity. Let go of those things or people you had wished for but never received. Be humble, thoughtful, and accepting towards change. Their seems to be an ever silent hand guiding us to where we need to be. Just think about it. Don't things always seem to work themselves out in the end?

*Satan*

While I was on facebook I came across a page called *Satan*. I looked at the page out of curiosity. What I saw didn’t surprise me too much. There were a ton of people bashing religion and God and His “fans”. Naturally, there would be Christian responses. I didn’t like most of them. There were Christians “defending the faith”. They did this by posting Bible verses and telling the people that they needed to accept Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior. That the Lord will execute His enemies. That everyone needed to repent and shouldn’t sell their soul to the Devil. And we wonder why people don’t like Christians? That’s why.

            Although the Christians may have had good intentions, they went about it the wrong way. There’s a good way and a bad way to approach these things, and that was definitely a bad way. If you tell people these kinds of things when they already have a negative view of Christianity and God, then you are going to get a not-so-cheery response. You need to remember that they don’t have the same beliefs as you. They are going to think that what you’re saying is hog wash and label you as an unintelligent loony-tune. Being “Holier than thou” will not get you anywhere. The only thing you will get from it is closed doors, smirks, and curses. You don’t want to lose an opportunity because you’re trying to be pious. Do you think that will please God? Think again.

            Why not discuss how they came to their conclusion about Christianity and God instead of condemning them to hell? That will open the door for a good discussion. You will be able to see their side and learn how they think. Then in turn, you have a chance to share how you came to your conclusion about God and Christianity. I couldn’t see this page and say nothing. I posted “So this is an anti-Christianity & anti-religion page. Why do you hate Christianity or religion in general? I’m not taking any sides, but want genuine feedback please.” I’m hoping that people give real, thoughtful responses. I will make another blog that will anonymously list some of the responses. If you ever hope or intend on talking to people who see things differently, then you need to know their point of view.

Tragedy Strikes.

In my community, today is hard to bear. It is hard to smile or laugh when we remember what happened two years ago. Today marks the two-year anniversary of a tragedy: a beautiful & beloved teenager got taken from us. Her eyes closed: never to be opened again.

I remember when I first heard about it on April 10th, 2010. Sophomore year. Spring break is only a week away. Amanda, Chrissy, and I are in their living room. Amanda gets a call from one of our close friends. Tears start rolling down her face. Waiting impatiently, we all want to know why she's crying. The phone call ends and there is a moment of silence. Finally Amanda says, "Allie got into a car accident yesterday." Heart drops. "Is she okay?" It seemed like we spent forever waiting for the answer. Phone calls were made to find out more information. We were worried. Finally we find out that she's in the hospital. All we know is that she's unconscious and hasn't woken up yet. My mom took us to go see her. On the way there my mom reassures me that people can regain consciousness.

We arrive at the hospital and make the journey up to her room. There are a ton of other people there already. Some of them are mutual friends. The waiting room next to her room is full of family; the hallway is full of friends. They let us know that Allie has no brain activity. Machines are keeping her breathing, but they will be shut off tomorrow. Our close friend is never going to wake up. We will never hear her mellifluous laugh again; never see her contagious smile. It took a few minutes for that to sink in. The tears started flowing and would not stop.

Her mom let us go into Allie's room to see her one last time. Allie is laying there peacefully. Her eyes are shut and there is a subtle rising and falling in her chest. Good friends gave her a manicure and pedicure. Not a single blond hair was misplaced. Her pink skin was lotioned. Allie looked so alive. Like she was only sleeping. Her mom told us that we can talk to Allie. We could give her a hug or a kiss on the cheek. I was speechless. Words refused to come out of my mouth. I couldn't touch her because she wouldn't be able to give me a hug in return. All she had was a small sign of impact on her forehead and a broken nose. Untouched by death, Allie was still beautiful.

Allie was taken off of life support on April 11th, 2010. The rest of April was a living hell. It would not stop raining. Heaven was mourning with us. My sisters and I were very close with Allie Freshman year. She used to come over almost every day after school. A part of our hearts died with her. All of us had a different way of coping. My sisters and a few friends painted the pole that the car crashed into. Many of her close friends spent a lot of time together. I coped by withdrawing from everyone. The anxiety was too much to handle, and I couldn't be there for anyone. I wish I had been there more for my sisters.

How could a sixteen year old believe there was justice in an undeserved death? I couldn't. So I was angry. I was angry with God for taking Allie away from us. She was one of the last people on Earth who deserved to die so young. She loved life and she lived it. I was bearing an unbearable burden. In my anger I yelled at God. I yelled for weeks. I didn't understand. All I wanted was to understand. I had believed that God was just and He had a purpose for everything. So I was shaken up because I couldn't see a purpose in this. My anger had gotten so bad that I couldn't pray without crying. Nor could I read my Bible without crying. I used to turn to my faith in God when I was confronted with pain or grief. With my faith running dry, where else could I have turned?

The time came where I was tired of yelling at God. I was honest with Him and told Him that it was too much. I needed comfort. It was all or nothing. I demanded an answer as to why He allowed this tragedy to strike. I could not move forward without clarity, and my faith was running thin. I opened my Bible to a random place expecting to finally hear from God. And oh I definitely heard Him. I opened my Bible to 1 Thessalonians 4:13-18.


 " ¹³ Brothers, we do not want you to be ignorant about those who fall asleep, or to grieve like the rest of men, who have no hope. ¹⁴ We believe that Jesus died and rose again and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him. ¹⁵ According to the Lord’s own word, we tell you that we who are still alive, who are left till the coming of the Lord, will certainly not precede those who have fallen asleep. ¹⁶ For the Lord himself will come down from heaven, with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. ¹⁷ After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever. ¹⁸ Therefore encourage each other with these words."

I miss her sooo much. But that day God answered my yells. He gave me comfort knowing that there is hope. I will see her again. Not in this life, but in the next<3. When you call on Him, He will answer.

Sing a new song.

"1 I waited patiently for the Lord;
       he turned to me and heard my cry.
 2 He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
       out of the mud and mire;
   he set my feet on a rock
       and gave me a firm place to stand.
 3 He put a new song in my mouth,
       a hymn of praise to our God.
   Many will see and fear
       and put their trust in God."

Psalm 40:1-3

Today I was doing my daily Psalm reading, and Psalm 40 really got to me. I recommend you read the entire Psalm, but these were a few of my favorite verses. The psalmist is in incredible despair. He waited for the Lord and prayed to God when he could not handle it anymore. Then, God heard him and rescued him. Being in a pit of mud and mire, you are only sinking further and further down until you cannot help yourself. You would be so trapped that it is nearly impossible for someone else to pull you out of that wretched pit. The psalmist trusted in God alone to rescue him from sinking. He did not trust in man. When rescued, he was able to stand firmly. Given a new song to sing, he praised God.

February was a difficult month. There was a lot going on that I wasn't sure how to deal with. I was waiting on the Lord for answers I felt would never come. I felt like the psalmist: trapped in a slimy pit of mud and mire. I was sinking and no one could have helped me. Only God could bring me peace of mind and a clear heart. He always heard my pleas, and He answered my cries. Now I have clarity and a firm place to stand. I'm going to continue trusting in God. Finally, there is a new song to sing. Not a song of despair, but a song of HOPE.

For Free?

During college group two weeks ago, everyone was going around in a circle giving prayer requests. When my turn comes, I ask everyone to pray that I'm able to find an affordable piano. I really wanted my own piano so I can practice and improve my playing. I have a keyboard, but it just sounds so different than a real piano. Everyone said they would let me know if they came across anything. Honestly, I didn't know how I could afford a good piano unless I saved up for a good portion of the semester.

Today, I get a call after my Personality Theories class is over. It's Ms. Patti, the wonderful woman who leads college group. She called to let me know that she has a friend named Chad who has a piano they don't want anymore. Awesome, and how much is he selling it for? Oh, he isn't selling it. He's giving the piano away for free. That's right. FREE! So Ms. Patti called to let me know and asked me when I would be able to pick it up. At his earliest convenience, of course. But my own piano, for free? That is just UH-mazing!

Ironically, I got this glorious news after withdrew from my Piano 1 class today.  I don't have time to practice. Nor did I own a piano to play on. Yet, God gives me a piano the same exact day I gave up my only opportunity to play. Now I can play at my leisure and without having to stress out about keeping up with the class. I can play and learn the songs that I desire. I didn't have to look for it or save up for one. This is a blessing in its greatest form . Nothing is out of God's power. He always takes care of me, and gives me more than I deserve. It's moments like this where I'm reminded how great and infinite God's love is. :D

Are You Listening?

I just read an article on Yahoo about a high school shooting that happened in Ohio. Five students were shot. Four of them were injured but one of the students have already died. The shooter was a Junior. They described him as quiet and goth. He had tweeted that he was going to bring a gun to school the next day. He posted that on the Internet. In plain sight. Where people could read it. And react to it. The problem?

  NO ONE TOOK HIM SERIOUSLY. 

This entire tragedy could have been prevented. Clearly, this boy was crying out for help. No one had listened to him. No one responded to him. So, he made them listen. In a horrible way. Other people paid the price. A high school student died because of other people's silence. The shooter is lost too. This is nothing but a tragedy.

What if someone had tried talking to him? It may have made a difference. Maybe he wouldn't have gone to such drastic measures to get someone to listen to him. Someone would not have died. All it would have taken was for someone to reach out to this quiet kid. To have compassion and an open ear. But no one did. And probably because they thought this goth kid was weird or not worth their time. Oh how wrong they were.

Every human being is worth something. I don't care if you think they're weird or annoying or funny looking. Every single person has a voice that needs to be heard by someone else. There are so many people around you crying out for help. So many people who are broken and doing anything to let others know that they need help and love. They need to be loved. They shouldn't be overlooked for any reason. We need to take action. Stop and look around you. Are you listening?

Rain and Sunshine.

Aren't we all promised a peaceful, comfortable life? Didn't God promise there will only be smiles? If so, then why do we have to suffer?

My friends, we were never promised that things would be easy peasy. Sometimes we are required to go through times of hardship. We suffer and cry and feel despair. Our faith is tested and we don't always know what to do. Whether we should scream or fall to our knees. Well, there are two ways to react during suffering: play the victim or accept it.

The first reaction is what many, many people choose. We like to play the victim. We ask God why He is putting us through something so terrible that we cannot bear. We simply give up and do not see the point in it. We feel that there is no reason behind suffering and we throw ourselves a pity party. We feel like life is not fair and that we don't deserve this. Simply, we become Suffering's angry victims that turn away from God. The second reaction is acceptance. We accept the situation that inflicted the pain. We may ask the reason for the pain, but we do not remain angry over it. We believe that this pain is not for nothing. We believe that this pain has purpose. We cling to God knowing He will wipe away our tears.

Which reaction is the correct response? The second one: reacting to pain and suffering with acceptance. Truthfully, God did not promise us a life that would only bring smiles. There is sunshine as well as rain. Life consists of good and bad. It is our choice to do what we want with pain that we are given. While we are going through pain, we become blind. We are consumed by our emotions and by the circumstances. Although you are temporarily knocked down, get back up. Don't let your pain and suffering get the best of you.

"No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it. Therefore, strengthen your feeble arms and weak knees. 'Make level paths for your feet', so that the lame may not be disabled, but rather healed." Hebrews 12:11-12

It is so easy to be happy when everything is going the way we want. It is when some trial is thrown into our life that we cease being happy. I implore you to try and see a bigger picture. Although the purpose is not in front of you, you will come to see it. One day. But you can make the choice, right now, to accept it and turn it into something positive. To grow from it. As much as we don't like going through pain and suffering, we will always learn something from it. For accepting things as they are, we build find peace rather than anger. After we successfully endure suffering, there is a sense of triumph. Faith allows us to look forward to that triumph. Despite the circumstances, there is hope, always.

"Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope." Romans 5:1-4

Now.

Happy February! I haven't been posting as much as I've wanted to. This semester is crazy busy. But worth it.

Every single person has something that they desire. Something that just seems so out of reach. We are never perfectly content with what we have. There's always that extra little thing we "need". A lot of the time we want things that we just can't have. It isn't meant for us at this specific moment in time. Personally, there are some things that I desire with huge pieces of my heart. Things I can't control. Things I can't decide to just have or happen in spite of how much I yearn for it. What I've learned the most so far this semester: 
                                           Enjoy the things you have now. 

To not live with regret about the past, experiences you can't erase, and decisions you can't remake. When you dwell in the past, you are preventing yourself from moving forward. You are so caught up in what happened that you hinder yourself. Instead of living in the past, learn from your mistakes or experiences. Accept what happened. Turn them into something good that can be used to benefit yourself or other people. If you stay in the past, you will miss out on the present. 

To not worry and obsess over the future that cannot be controlled or foreseen. People my age do this like it's a hobby. We're so young and have our whole lives ahead of us. We wonder where we're going to live, what job we'll have, who we're going to marry. And some people literally obsess over these things. They are important to think about. But don't OVER think it. A lot of disappointment happens when things don't go as we planned. Truthfully, things rarely unfold the way we thought they would. Of course it's important to make goals and aspire to do things in the future. But keep it flexible. Don't base your whole entire life or future off of a plan. "In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps" Proverbs 16:9 is painted on my wall to remind me of this. If you focus on the future too much, you will miss out on the present. 

We can't let regret about the past or uncertainty about the future keep us from living in the present. The things today are all you have. Learn to appreciate it. Be thankful on that sunny day to be able to feel the sun on your skin. For the people you have in your life right now. Enjoy the conversation and company they bring. Appreciate every single day, and accept what comes your way. Whether you're going to school, working, etc: treat everything with significance and meaning. Love the little things.

My element.

The first week of my Spring semester is over. This week flew by so fast. I have a feeling that Spring 2012 will too. My major is Cross-cultural studies. This involves a little bit of economics, psychology, sociology, and political science. You study how people act throughout different cultures. I'm going to use this major to be a missionary. My minor is Psychology. Love love love it. So I love something about all of my classes.  First is Interpreting the Bible. Surprisingly, my professor is also a member of my church. Unfortunately, this doesn't earn me any brownie points. This class involves reading a book and learning a lot of new terms. But I love it because it really makes you think and prove your point during arguments. Second, I have the World of Caesar and Christ. This class involves a TON of reading. Courtesy of the honors program. The book is really interesting and poetic, so I don't really mind the reading. The Aeneid shows the worldview of the Romans and Greeks. Somehow, my professor is able to make their worldview relate to ours. Third, I'm taking Piano I. Piano is my favorite instrument to play. I want to get to a point to where I can just read music and play it. That way I can use it to play praise and worship music. Now that would be awesome. Fourth is Foundations for Christian Ministry. This is by far my favorite class. My professor was a missionary. He talks about some of his different trips. He really makes us learn about ourselves and challenges us to see things from a different perspective. Something he's great at is reminding us that we all want to do ministry. Just some things he talks about makes me realize how much growing I still have left. If you're going to be involved in ministry, you need to realize that your actions are going to have a lot of effects on other people. People are going to look to you for guidance and ask you questions. You need to be a leader and have answers. Fifth, I have Personality Theories. It's a psych class, and I'm not too fond of it yet. Hoping it gets better. Lastly, I have Writing About Literature. Not too fond of this class either. :p

Something amazing happened today. I mentioned in a previous blog that I want to be actively involved in ministry this semester. Well....... I got an internship!! So excited. My internship is going to be with First Baptist Church. They need someone to help out with the daycare center. There's about 50-80 kids. They come from all different backgrounds. My main job is to build relationships with the kids and get to know them. Eventually, I'll be the one leading chapel for them. I'm so stoked! Also, once a week I will be conducting surveys of what the parents think about the daycare. This will be done house by house. This gives us an opportunity to see who wants to get more involved in the church. It's pretty much a local missions field. Even thinking about reaching out to these people makes me all jittery and giddy. 

The main point of this is to get experience in ministry. It's going to make me develop more leadership skills and challenge my teaching skills. Also, I'm going to have to keep myself in check spiritually. I can't allow myself to slack spiritually. If I do, then it will effect others negatively. This is such a great chance for me to grow. It will help me focus on what's important and to get my priorities straight. I want to do ministry more than anything. It's my element. It's where I find the most joy. I'm happier doing ministry than I am anywhere else. I start my internship next Thursday :)

Angels unawares.

Yesterday I had a very interesting encounter with a woman. Here's the story.

My classes are done for the day and I'm on my way to the gym. On the way to my car to get my gym clothes, there was a woman who passed me on a bike. She stopped, got my attention, and asked me if I could help her. This woman looked like she was maybe in her late forties. She was very tan, a bit frail, and weathered. Her voice was timid when she had asked for help. So of course I would help her if I could. She said she needed help getting groceries. I didn't know if she meant she needed money to buy groceries or a ride to carry groceries. I offered her the few dollars I had but she called me a sweetheart and said no thank you. Her and I walked for a few minutes just talking. She asked if I went to PBA and whether or not I live on campus. Just trying to make small talk. I still couldn't get it off my mind that she needed help and I couldn't help her. So I asked her for her name. Her name is Deborah, and I shook her hand. Then I told her my name is Stephanie. I pulled out a PBA business card. They're white and the backs of them are blank. I wrote my first name and cell number on the back of it. I told her to call me if she ever needs help. Also, that if I can't help her then I'm a part of a local church that has ways of helping people who need it. She had a good smile and said thank you. We waved bye. Deborah was just so sweet. She was out of sight by the time I had gotten my clothes.

This whole experience might seem either trivial or silly once I explain it. But that's okay. It just reminded me that we're meant to help people in any way possible if we can. I couldn't help Deborah today, but maybe there will be a time when she does need help. She has my number and can call. She has an option now to ask someone for help. Now she knows that someone does care. This reminded me of a verse.

"Forget not to show love unto strangers: for thereby some have entertained angels unawares."
Hebrews 13:2 

If someone ever asks you for help, and you have the power to help them, please do so. You never know who may be asking.

Back to School. Yayyyy

Today's the first day back to PBA. I'm excited to see how my classes will go. This semester is going to be different than last semester. I'm going to get more focused on school and put forth more effort. Especially with the ministry and volunteering part. I want to go to chapel but not because I feel obligated to. Last semester I had my head in the clouds most days. Either I was tired and worn out, or running off of caffeine and stressed out. There was always something to do and somewhere to be. I had no real sense of direction and put time into things that weren't as important as I thought. Something I'm going to work on this semester is time management. One of my Christmas presents was a daytime planner. Thanks mom! Also, I'm going to wake up earlier every day and have morning quiet time & coffee.

"Pay careful attention, then, to how you walk--not as unwise people but as wise-- making the most of the time because the days are evil." Ephesians 5: 15-16

There was one significant thing I got from reading these verses. Our days are numbered. No matter who we are. So each day we have should be lived wisely. The choices I make today, even the trivial little choices, are going to reflect where I am in my Christian walk. A lot of Christians do some pretty "un-Christian" things. Our excuse is usually "well I'm young" as if that justifies some of our choices.

I'm guilty of using that excuse too to get out of some of my responsibilities. I've used it to justify some of my poor choices last semester. "Well I'm young so God will understand and just forgive me." Even at a Christian college, it's hard to keep my focus on God at times. This semester I plan on having a better focus. I don't want to only be concerned about His bigger will for my life. I also want to be looking for His will in my everyday life. Whether it's helping someone in need or complaining less and being more thankful.

New Year!

First thing's first...... HAPPY NEW YEAR! :)


This New Year has been absolutely amazing so far. It has gotten off to a great start. I got to go to Alabama for a Winter Retreat with Mud Ministry. This was the perfect escape that I needed oh so badly. It was the one chance I had to get away from my everyday life and self-reflect. 2012 is here and along with the New Year came some big decisions I had to make.

One thing that majorly conflicted me was whether or not I wanted to join the National Guard. The pros had outweighed the cons. It would pay for the rest of college. There would be some major character building and I would learn a sense of independence. I would get paid and could save up. I would learn self-defense and never be a damsel in distress. Yet, this retreat had showed me what truly mattered. There would have been a high price to pay if I had decided to join the National Guard. My summer with Mud Ministry would be gone. This is my second year being involved with Mud. The thought of not being at the camps had terrified me. At this retreat, I got to be a camp counselor. That was so awesome. I loved being there for these girls. It was a privilege to even pray for them. How could I give this up for something I would consider a second job? The National Guard plan was kicked to the curb. My heart is with ministry. More specifically, it's with Mud Ministry.

Secondly, I decided to abstain from dating for a year. As of now, it's been six months. That seems like a silly decision to some people. But it wasn't made impulsively. The main reason is to take this time and find out  where I am in my Christian walk and to build my relationship up with God before I get into another serious relationship. I've noticed that I get distracted from God when I'm in a relationship. So this whole year time span is meant to be dedicated to God. Over the summer, I symbolically wrote "momentous relationships" on my rock and tossed it in the lake (It was something done at the Mud Camps).  That was supposed to symbolize something I wanted to purge out of my life. I really plan on sticking with this. During the summer of 2012, I don't want any negative distractions. My heart will be focused solely on the Ministry right in front of me.

Also, I've really learned the meaning of patience. About what it means to wait for God's will instead of pursuing after my own will. After I made the commitment to abstain from dating for a year, it made me think about the kind of person I want to be with. In June 2011, I had prayed for a few things. That the next relationship would be the kind that lasts. Really lasts. That we would become best friends for awhile before we even dated. Most importantly, that he wouldn't just be a Christian but also have a passion for ministry. This is worth waiting for, and I will definitely know when it comes my way. :)

My main focus this semester is to be actively involved in ministry. Mud Ministry is going to be opening up full-time positions. I would be a complete dumbdumb if I didn't jump at this opportunity. That's a little ways down the road. I am definitely going to be committed to being with Mud during the summer. Meanwhile, there's an opportunity for me to get involved with a ministry at a local church. It involves working with teens. The semester starts January 9th and I'll know for sure how I'm going to be involved here.

2012 is unfolding wonderfully so far. I can't wait to see what's in store. My main goal for this year is to be involved with ministry more. That's my heart's passion. That's my calling. I don't want anything to distract me or get in the way of it. This is my prayer for 2012:

"Please make me selfless so that I may put Your desires before mine. Give me the courage that I may speak boldly for You and give me the patience to put aside my will so I may live in Yours." Amen :)